One month has passed and things couldn't be better, although I still feel bad and guilty because of the money situation. I mean, he knows I don't have money, but still I feel bad because we keep buying stuff for the house or for us and the kids, and I don't help with a thing!
A friend have said that, if he feel that I am taking some sort of advantage of the situation, he would tell me and we would talk about, but still I feel bad and wish I could do more.
Is not like I don't do anything and just sit home and spend his money. NO WAY! I do my things. I have got a job, not a real job, but will bring us some extra money once I start it, and I do stuff at home, I take care of the kids, sometimes of the food, I take care of the house, I buy some food and stuff... Is not like I just sit here and wait for him to bring the card and lets go shopping!
I hope he sees that and be sure that this situation is temporarily, and that once CSN get back on track with my payments and I start work a few hours everyday I will be able to do more and help more.
It feel so bad, and I wanna cry and get on a bad mood everytime we go and buy something and he is the one who have to pay. Today we went to IKEA and bought some stuff, including the beds for the kids, he paid all, and I felt so horrible that I was quiet and pretending I was sleeping all the way back home. A hour drive back to Halmstad and I was there, sitting, in silence...
I hope that his "very nice way"of being a person doesn't get on the way of he telling me and talking about stuff that bother him or that we could do differently.... I really hope so. He said he would talk to me bout everything and about stuff that he doesn't like. But I know he doesn't want to make anyone mad or upset, so maybe he avoid it... But I like to think that, if he couldn't afford to buy those stuff, he wouldn't, and then he would wait until I had the money so we could share the expenses...
I feel really bad because I haven't gave hm my half of the rent this month. I asked him how much I should give to him, he just said: "we check it later tonight", and it was 2 days ago, and he haven't mentioned a thing about it... and we kept buying stuff... I mean, now I don't have even my half of the rent anymore, because I didn't get paid this month, and only had some money left from last month, and paid my personal bills (phone, CSN, etc), and now I have a lot less left...
Maybe this guilty and this bad feeling is just in my mind, I don't know. But I am feeling very bad and worried that this money situation will affect somehow the relationship. Everyone knows that money is number 1 cause of many arguments.... But I hope he will tell me when this become an issue. I want to believe that if he hasn't talked to me, is because it isn't an issue yet.
I REALLY hope so!
söndag 29 november 2015
tisdag 17 november 2015
Chapter one
Its been almost 3 weeks since the moving, and it feels great!
However, those stupid thoughts run in and out off of my mind, and sometimes I think he regretted his decision of moving in together, even though he said the other day that he never been happier.
Ok, maybe he is not jumping and singing and shouting out the whole time how happy he is and how amazing it all is, but...
I don't that either, but I feel so insecure... I think that he feels I am too lazy, that I sleep too much, that I could do more as a "housewife", but really...
It is so hard to know exactly what others are thinking, and sometimes its is better not to think about it, but how can I manage not to do that?/
I am a mess, and all that anxiety and worries just make me feel so bad, when I should be enjoying the best thing that ever happened to me!!!
However, those stupid thoughts run in and out off of my mind, and sometimes I think he regretted his decision of moving in together, even though he said the other day that he never been happier.
Ok, maybe he is not jumping and singing and shouting out the whole time how happy he is and how amazing it all is, but...
I don't that either, but I feel so insecure... I think that he feels I am too lazy, that I sleep too much, that I could do more as a "housewife", but really...
It is so hard to know exactly what others are thinking, and sometimes its is better not to think about it, but how can I manage not to do that?/
I am a mess, and all that anxiety and worries just make me feel so bad, when I should be enjoying the best thing that ever happened to me!!!
onsdag 7 oktober 2015
Those 3 words
It is incredibly funny how we want something so much and then when we get it, we have no idea how to react.
I had an incredible birthday day and weekend, fun and loving.
The moving in together is gonna actually happen sooner than I expected and I am a lot scared about how I am going to handle it. I am not a "live together"kinda of person… I am hard to be around everyday, sometimes even me want to kick my ass out… but I want to make it the best thing ever and make him happy and more important, make me happier!
Also we had a fight. Or an argument. because of my jealousy. Sometimes it is hard to control. I mean, my entire life has been full of lies and people betraying my trust and cheating on my feelings, that it is hard to focus on the good all the time without expecting something bad coming to happen.
Anyway, he handled things well, I apologized for my behavior a few days later, or the day after, but THAT happened!
Yes he said he loves me. he actually said I LOVE YOU. Can you imagine that???!
I was like without a reaction, couldn't reply "me too"the second after, as it should be, because I was caught on surprise. We were in the middle of an argument, and he just shout out that. Who does that? :O
Well, I cried, of course, and said it back. First I thought he was just saying, babbling words just to make me calm down and stop arguing, and I asked him if he really meant that or if he was just saying. And he said he REALLY meant that.
I mean, I felt like a teenager girl who just have been kissed for the first time, all the feelings and emotions and all… but in a good way.
Everything is just so perfect. We are gonna be a family, fall asleep and wake up next to each other every day, can't wait.
And he made me promise that I would always kiss him good night, no matter what. I have waiting for a moment like this for so long… I can't even begin to say how happy I am. But also scared.
Scared of fail, of ruin things, of being a pain in his ass, of being so hard to handle that he will prefer to be out instead of being with me…
And by knowing all that I know also that I have a lot to change in my self to become a better self, it is hard though. I have insecurity and trust issues that I try so hard to pass through, but then they just come and make all crazy and jealous…
But I couldn't have asked for a better person to be with. he is just so amazing in so many ways that is unbelievable! And I think that, for that and many other reasons, I must make myself better to be with him, because he deserves the best, and I want to be the best for him.
Hope he stay long enough to enjoy it. It seems he will.
BUT…
I had an incredible birthday day and weekend, fun and loving.
The moving in together is gonna actually happen sooner than I expected and I am a lot scared about how I am going to handle it. I am not a "live together"kinda of person… I am hard to be around everyday, sometimes even me want to kick my ass out… but I want to make it the best thing ever and make him happy and more important, make me happier!
Also we had a fight. Or an argument. because of my jealousy. Sometimes it is hard to control. I mean, my entire life has been full of lies and people betraying my trust and cheating on my feelings, that it is hard to focus on the good all the time without expecting something bad coming to happen.
Anyway, he handled things well, I apologized for my behavior a few days later, or the day after, but THAT happened!
Yes he said he loves me. he actually said I LOVE YOU. Can you imagine that???!
I was like without a reaction, couldn't reply "me too"the second after, as it should be, because I was caught on surprise. We were in the middle of an argument, and he just shout out that. Who does that? :O
Well, I cried, of course, and said it back. First I thought he was just saying, babbling words just to make me calm down and stop arguing, and I asked him if he really meant that or if he was just saying. And he said he REALLY meant that.
I mean, I felt like a teenager girl who just have been kissed for the first time, all the feelings and emotions and all… but in a good way.
Everything is just so perfect. We are gonna be a family, fall asleep and wake up next to each other every day, can't wait.
And he made me promise that I would always kiss him good night, no matter what. I have waiting for a moment like this for so long… I can't even begin to say how happy I am. But also scared.
Scared of fail, of ruin things, of being a pain in his ass, of being so hard to handle that he will prefer to be out instead of being with me…
And by knowing all that I know also that I have a lot to change in my self to become a better self, it is hard though. I have insecurity and trust issues that I try so hard to pass through, but then they just come and make all crazy and jealous…
But I couldn't have asked for a better person to be with. he is just so amazing in so many ways that is unbelievable! And I think that, for that and many other reasons, I must make myself better to be with him, because he deserves the best, and I want to be the best for him.
Hope he stay long enough to enjoy it. It seems he will.
BUT…
onsdag 23 september 2015
32
A year ago, I was laying at the hospital, crying, with no feelings of living or whatever. 365 days has passed since that horrible birthday day, and I am in a different situation now. I am happy, old though :D
I could celebrate my birthday with my daughter, be able to smile and enjoy her happiness by singing happy birthday to me. I could appreciate the fact that my boyfriend came home to me in the morning with flowers and chocolate and the cutest card EVER! Couldn't be any happier!!!
So many things are happening… so many feelings are inside of me right me now, that its is overwhelming at same time it is good.
We are gonna move in together, in december, gonna be so good fall asleep and wake up beside him every day… can hardly wait for this to happens.
I am so happy with him and I feel like I love him, and want to tell that. But to say "i love you"might implicate so many other things… Is it to soon? Will him be scared? Feel him the same?
I am afraid of saying it and ruin all, and we have it all so good that I don't want to make it go away…
And I also want to be with him, forever, or at least for many years… does he feel the same? hard to know. I mean, I know he likes me, that he is happy with me and all. But does he think about stay with me? Does he know I want a ring and a proposal?
I don't want a diamond ring or a fancy big wedding. I just want a ring, a proposal, feel that feeling, cry happy tears… I might do it myself, buy the ring and propose to him. Is it to desperate? HAHA of course it is…
I am sure he will surprise me sometime, that I am sure… but just the feeling of it might happen is so good… I dream about it almost everyday, the day I will carry a ring on my left finger and show to people and say: "yes, I am going to get married". The marriage might never happen, with I really don't care, but I want to be engaged, for the right reasons,,, with the right person…
Been so long I felt this about someone, I mean, can't even remember when was the last time I had all those feelings for someone… it is so good, I can't even describe. I am just gibberishing words here, can't put what I am feeling in to words…
But who sees me, who looks me in the eyes, see that I am beyond happy. That I smile for no reason, that I fall asleep smiling looking at pictures…
If it isn't happiness, I don't what it is then!
:D
I could celebrate my birthday with my daughter, be able to smile and enjoy her happiness by singing happy birthday to me. I could appreciate the fact that my boyfriend came home to me in the morning with flowers and chocolate and the cutest card EVER! Couldn't be any happier!!!
So many things are happening… so many feelings are inside of me right me now, that its is overwhelming at same time it is good.
We are gonna move in together, in december, gonna be so good fall asleep and wake up beside him every day… can hardly wait for this to happens.
I am so happy with him and I feel like I love him, and want to tell that. But to say "i love you"might implicate so many other things… Is it to soon? Will him be scared? Feel him the same?
I am afraid of saying it and ruin all, and we have it all so good that I don't want to make it go away…
And I also want to be with him, forever, or at least for many years… does he feel the same? hard to know. I mean, I know he likes me, that he is happy with me and all. But does he think about stay with me? Does he know I want a ring and a proposal?
I don't want a diamond ring or a fancy big wedding. I just want a ring, a proposal, feel that feeling, cry happy tears… I might do it myself, buy the ring and propose to him. Is it to desperate? HAHA of course it is…
I am sure he will surprise me sometime, that I am sure… but just the feeling of it might happen is so good… I dream about it almost everyday, the day I will carry a ring on my left finger and show to people and say: "yes, I am going to get married". The marriage might never happen, with I really don't care, but I want to be engaged, for the right reasons,,, with the right person…
Been so long I felt this about someone, I mean, can't even remember when was the last time I had all those feelings for someone… it is so good, I can't even describe. I am just gibberishing words here, can't put what I am feeling in to words…
But who sees me, who looks me in the eyes, see that I am beyond happy. That I smile for no reason, that I fall asleep smiling looking at pictures…
If it isn't happiness, I don't what it is then!
:D
måndag 14 september 2015
The North Pole
On this same day, a year ago, I was sitting on the plane crying my eyes out, can't really explain why, but that was the start of a breaking down that lasted 2 months and took me the psychiatric emergency on my birthday…
Funny how things can change in just 365 days, a year. I am so happy today and making plans and dreaming about so many stuff that is kinds scary.
That trip to Umeå somehow helped me, all the shit I been through after that trip also helped me and made me grown as a person and human being… I feel sorry for some actions and words I said, but all that was something I had to go through to be who I am today, a year after, and to be able to appreciate what came after all that!
We are moving in together, starting a family, a new family, us! That will happen in december. I must confess I am scared, things seems to be happening fast, but at the same time it feels safe. Seems and feels that we already know each other so well, that would be a waste of time to wait longer to make it happen.
On the other hand, with all that, another thing came back to my mind. I want get married. Not exactly wedding, but I want he to propose, give me a ring, promise he will stay with me forever, till dead tear us apart… Will it happen? I am not sure, but I am happy right now.
Maybe is just more a status thing, o maybe is because I never been on this position, I don't know… But would be so nice to celebrate our love with the loved ones, family and close friends, and I would be thrilled of course!
But it is not important, I think it is more important that we both respect each other and want to make it work and we are doing whatever it takes to make it happen. If a proposal or marriage happens, will just to seal what we already have, and nothing else. I really don't need it, but I want to. Will be just as happy without, but…
:D:D:D:D:D
Funny how things can change in just 365 days, a year. I am so happy today and making plans and dreaming about so many stuff that is kinds scary.
That trip to Umeå somehow helped me, all the shit I been through after that trip also helped me and made me grown as a person and human being… I feel sorry for some actions and words I said, but all that was something I had to go through to be who I am today, a year after, and to be able to appreciate what came after all that!
We are moving in together, starting a family, a new family, us! That will happen in december. I must confess I am scared, things seems to be happening fast, but at the same time it feels safe. Seems and feels that we already know each other so well, that would be a waste of time to wait longer to make it happen.
On the other hand, with all that, another thing came back to my mind. I want get married. Not exactly wedding, but I want he to propose, give me a ring, promise he will stay with me forever, till dead tear us apart… Will it happen? I am not sure, but I am happy right now.
Maybe is just more a status thing, o maybe is because I never been on this position, I don't know… But would be so nice to celebrate our love with the loved ones, family and close friends, and I would be thrilled of course!
But it is not important, I think it is more important that we both respect each other and want to make it work and we are doing whatever it takes to make it happen. If a proposal or marriage happens, will just to seal what we already have, and nothing else. I really don't need it, but I want to. Will be just as happy without, but…
:D:D:D:D:D
torsdag 27 augusti 2015
I wanna start a fight
This post is chronologically misplaced. It should come before the last one. Anyway…
I always heard that is really hard and not nice to get into an argument with me, because I end up crying, and then the person can't really have an argument with me.
On top of that. I HATE to fight, arguing or anything, I always break down and cry, with doesn't please me either.
But we had our first argument a couple of weeks ago, was kind of an over reaction and might have been unnecessary, however, I couldn't hold that feeling inside me and just watch he does absolutely nothing about the situation.
The good thing that came out of this, on my point of view, is that the argument brought us closer together. Or I like to think so.
We are making huge plans that will change and affect the life of many. Especially the kids. I asked if he was 100% sure about all that and if he thought it was a good thing for us, relationship wise-speaking. He said yes to both questions, with made me very happy, because I feel likewise, but still…
I got jealous about he skyping with an old school friend (female), and not to mention that I don't know why he is still Facebook friends with the indian bitch. I mean, apparently they have no contact and don't intend to have, so WHAT THE FUCK???
He said he could delete her from his list. Did he does it? I don't know. But I hope so.
And about the Skype one, I said there is no need for them to Skype, can talk, chat, ring each other, why Skype??? Doenst make sense to me.
Yea yea, is the jealousy speaking, but I don't give a fuck!
I always heard that is really hard and not nice to get into an argument with me, because I end up crying, and then the person can't really have an argument with me.
On top of that. I HATE to fight, arguing or anything, I always break down and cry, with doesn't please me either.
But we had our first argument a couple of weeks ago, was kind of an over reaction and might have been unnecessary, however, I couldn't hold that feeling inside me and just watch he does absolutely nothing about the situation.
The good thing that came out of this, on my point of view, is that the argument brought us closer together. Or I like to think so.
We are making huge plans that will change and affect the life of many. Especially the kids. I asked if he was 100% sure about all that and if he thought it was a good thing for us, relationship wise-speaking. He said yes to both questions, with made me very happy, because I feel likewise, but still…
I got jealous about he skyping with an old school friend (female), and not to mention that I don't know why he is still Facebook friends with the indian bitch. I mean, apparently they have no contact and don't intend to have, so WHAT THE FUCK???
He said he could delete her from his list. Did he does it? I don't know. But I hope so.
And about the Skype one, I said there is no need for them to Skype, can talk, chat, ring each other, why Skype??? Doenst make sense to me.
Yea yea, is the jealousy speaking, but I don't give a fuck!
tisdag 25 augusti 2015
Love me like you do
I just want to say, and for the record, that I am having the most amazing and incredible relationship ever!
I feel so happy and complete that sometimes I am afraid of think it out loud and the universe shows me that, no girl! Not your turn yet!
I am just so thankful for having met him and finally, after all the broke heart and crying myself to sleep nights, I be able to fall asleep and wake up with a smile on my lips.
Thanks baby for all the days. You have no idea how happy you are making me!! <3
I feel so happy and complete that sometimes I am afraid of think it out loud and the universe shows me that, no girl! Not your turn yet!
I am just so thankful for having met him and finally, after all the broke heart and crying myself to sleep nights, I be able to fall asleep and wake up with a smile on my lips.
Thanks baby for all the days. You have no idea how happy you are making me!! <3
onsdag 12 augusti 2015
Dream on
In some cultures, people believe that, what you dream is a prediction what is about to happen to you or t someone close to you. In others, they believe that, what you dream, is the opposite of what is gonna happen. I am not sure in with one I believe, but I have had proof that, my dreams have come true.
I took a nap this morning, because I slept vey bad last night, and then I dreamt we were in Brazil, at my aunt's house, for a bbq or a lunch party or whatever, and then, out of the blue, he asks for everybody attention, get down in one knee and propose to me. Unbeliavable!
I mean, of course I want to be ask to marry someone, and that would be amazing if it happen someday. Not that I want t marry or anything like that, but just to have the knowledge that someone is willing to sure his life with you, is a big thing.
But then, today, after my nap, I sent him a text on whatsapp, all loving and happy, calling him love and shit, wishing a good day at work. And his answer: "morning, tack". WTF????
That was so cold that I actually felt it from here!
Maybe its just my head, but like, yesterday, evening, before the good night text we always send to each other, things were very warm, actually hot. And then, this morning, this. Who can understand?
I surely don't!
On top of that, my daughter's father continue to be a complete asshole and can't help me with anything. I am so tired of it. I am tired of having to always fix things by myself and have no appreciation for it whatsoever.
I am mad, angry, sad, and suspicious. For many reasons. For no reasons at all. Today is not a good day for me. I should have kept sleeping...
I took a nap this morning, because I slept vey bad last night, and then I dreamt we were in Brazil, at my aunt's house, for a bbq or a lunch party or whatever, and then, out of the blue, he asks for everybody attention, get down in one knee and propose to me. Unbeliavable!
I mean, of course I want to be ask to marry someone, and that would be amazing if it happen someday. Not that I want t marry or anything like that, but just to have the knowledge that someone is willing to sure his life with you, is a big thing.
But then, today, after my nap, I sent him a text on whatsapp, all loving and happy, calling him love and shit, wishing a good day at work. And his answer: "morning, tack". WTF????
That was so cold that I actually felt it from here!
Maybe its just my head, but like, yesterday, evening, before the good night text we always send to each other, things were very warm, actually hot. And then, this morning, this. Who can understand?
I surely don't!
On top of that, my daughter's father continue to be a complete asshole and can't help me with anything. I am so tired of it. I am tired of having to always fix things by myself and have no appreciation for it whatsoever.
I am mad, angry, sad, and suspicious. For many reasons. For no reasons at all. Today is not a good day for me. I should have kept sleeping...
måndag 10 augusti 2015
I do!
Do you know when you were a little girl and all what you wanted was to meet prince charming, and have the wedding of a princess? Yes, I do too. But for years ago my so-called prince charming destroyed all my dreams and hopes of having it, and since then, I have been a lot skeptical about finding it again.
Even with the relationships I had after all what happened with him, I never thought of it anymore, was more a chance of not being alone and having someone to share to share the good and bad.
And then, i got a daughter, age came, and all of that shit stayed behind me, I never thought about it, or dreamed about it, or hoped of it.
And then, year 2015, 21st century, me, 31 years old, almost 32, caught myself dreaming about it again. Is it even possible? Not that I want a wedding or a prince charming, but it is good to have that butterfly feeling once again. The longing, the excitement, the wait…
It is real good to wake up with some good new and have someone to share it with. Or to be sad, or mad, or worried about something and have someone to talk it over. It is just good to have someone there o listen to you.
And on top of that, see someone with my daughter, treating her as his own, playing, talking, taking care of her. reading bed stories, cooking food, the very simples tasks in life.
Can someone not like -to not say love- someone that does it? I do not think so.
And then I see myself looking at him as my prince charming. With all his flaws and things I don't even like, but still I do!
It is funny, cause I locked myself so hard and back for all those feelings, and now I can't avoid on imagining how would be to wake up next to him everyday, and just saying good bye to have him back at night, everyday… Its just weird. been so long since I had this feeling, that I don't know how to cope.
Is it hard? Is it too soon? Am I being silly and stupid and will be broke again? I don't know.
I just know that, I am so happy, and the butterflies in my tummy doesn't scare me anymore, in fact, they give the best feeling I could ever. A feeling that I had once, and lost. A feeling that, I have wanted to find again, been searching so hard and in so many places… and now it is here, as close as possible.
Then why am I still skeptical and scared? Not sure. But that makes things more exciting! I, for many times, caught myself smiling for apparently no reason, and then when i think about it, I know why. I remember him playing with the kids, reading to them, cooking to them, being silly with them, making jokes about people walking by, or even our silly inside jokes", that only us laugh about. And then come them again, the butterflies, and GOD! How amazing they are!
Been so long that I saw the world so colorful, sometimes I think I am seeing too much. I really hope not. because I honestly say that I am having one of the best times of my life, and even the problems seems to be easier now, because I am happy! And happiness is the best feeling ever! I didn't even know how good it is, been so long. And I am SO happy that I am happy again, that I just wanna cry!
But not today! Today I am smiling, and will be tomorrow, and hopefully for many days after that. Maybe I will be happily ever after. who knows?!
:D
Even with the relationships I had after all what happened with him, I never thought of it anymore, was more a chance of not being alone and having someone to share to share the good and bad.
And then, i got a daughter, age came, and all of that shit stayed behind me, I never thought about it, or dreamed about it, or hoped of it.
And then, year 2015, 21st century, me, 31 years old, almost 32, caught myself dreaming about it again. Is it even possible? Not that I want a wedding or a prince charming, but it is good to have that butterfly feeling once again. The longing, the excitement, the wait…
It is real good to wake up with some good new and have someone to share it with. Or to be sad, or mad, or worried about something and have someone to talk it over. It is just good to have someone there o listen to you.
And on top of that, see someone with my daughter, treating her as his own, playing, talking, taking care of her. reading bed stories, cooking food, the very simples tasks in life.
Can someone not like -to not say love- someone that does it? I do not think so.
And then I see myself looking at him as my prince charming. With all his flaws and things I don't even like, but still I do!
It is funny, cause I locked myself so hard and back for all those feelings, and now I can't avoid on imagining how would be to wake up next to him everyday, and just saying good bye to have him back at night, everyday… Its just weird. been so long since I had this feeling, that I don't know how to cope.
Is it hard? Is it too soon? Am I being silly and stupid and will be broke again? I don't know.
I just know that, I am so happy, and the butterflies in my tummy doesn't scare me anymore, in fact, they give the best feeling I could ever. A feeling that I had once, and lost. A feeling that, I have wanted to find again, been searching so hard and in so many places… and now it is here, as close as possible.
Then why am I still skeptical and scared? Not sure. But that makes things more exciting! I, for many times, caught myself smiling for apparently no reason, and then when i think about it, I know why. I remember him playing with the kids, reading to them, cooking to them, being silly with them, making jokes about people walking by, or even our silly inside jokes", that only us laugh about. And then come them again, the butterflies, and GOD! How amazing they are!
Been so long that I saw the world so colorful, sometimes I think I am seeing too much. I really hope not. because I honestly say that I am having one of the best times of my life, and even the problems seems to be easier now, because I am happy! And happiness is the best feeling ever! I didn't even know how good it is, been so long. And I am SO happy that I am happy again, that I just wanna cry!
But not today! Today I am smiling, and will be tomorrow, and hopefully for many days after that. Maybe I will be happily ever after. who knows?!
:D
torsdag 30 juli 2015
Nice to meet you!
Those last few days has been all and about meeting new family members. Mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad, lil brother and little sister. All good, very nice and fun people and I have been treated very well and warm. Lovely people, felt really good!
But also something have been bothering me lately. I feel a distance. A coldness. Maybe even a lack of feeling. Am I. Over reacting or it is just my sixth sense talking? Hard to tell.
Maybe with all the meetings and walking about a was hard to express feeling or be so close as the usual, dunno.
I have this thing that I think he will not be interested anymore, find me boring, unattractive, ugly, and just be out there.
I mean, why would him introduce me his entire family, if that was the case? I feel like they are a very close family, very nice and warming hearted people. And I think that, for him, is just as important to introduce me to his family. But why I have this gut feeling?
Typing this words right now is just making me want to cry. My eyes are full of tears trying to fall down and I am just holding them. Why so emotional? I can't explain or even find a reasonable reason to it.
I mean, it seems that FINALY I found someone that genuinely likes me, and is concerned about my wellbeing, likes to be around me, cuddle, and all. But still, the same bullshit of my trusting and insecure issues haunt me day and night! So tired of this shit!
Maybe tomorrow we will take the boat to Finland. A little "family" trip. Sounds like a great plan. We will see.
Just wish I could take this heavy thing away from me and enjoy all this as much as it want to be enjoyed. Because he deserve it. He makes me happy, when skies are grey! 🎶
Oh well! As usual: wait and see!
But also something have been bothering me lately. I feel a distance. A coldness. Maybe even a lack of feeling. Am I. Over reacting or it is just my sixth sense talking? Hard to tell.
Maybe with all the meetings and walking about a was hard to express feeling or be so close as the usual, dunno.
I have this thing that I think he will not be interested anymore, find me boring, unattractive, ugly, and just be out there.
I mean, why would him introduce me his entire family, if that was the case? I feel like they are a very close family, very nice and warming hearted people. And I think that, for him, is just as important to introduce me to his family. But why I have this gut feeling?
Typing this words right now is just making me want to cry. My eyes are full of tears trying to fall down and I am just holding them. Why so emotional? I can't explain or even find a reasonable reason to it.
I mean, it seems that FINALY I found someone that genuinely likes me, and is concerned about my wellbeing, likes to be around me, cuddle, and all. But still, the same bullshit of my trusting and insecure issues haunt me day and night! So tired of this shit!
Maybe tomorrow we will take the boat to Finland. A little "family" trip. Sounds like a great plan. We will see.
Just wish I could take this heavy thing away from me and enjoy all this as much as it want to be enjoyed. Because he deserve it. He makes me happy, when skies are grey! 🎶
Oh well! As usual: wait and see!
torsdag 16 juli 2015
Houston, we have a problem!
Ok, there come the financial complain: I am broke!
The fucking CSN decided, I don't know how, that they paid too much on student aid and will not for the last 8 weeks of studies I have left. WTF?!
So, this month I am struggling with the economy. Thank God I don't have much to pay, but still… it sucks to be broke and not have enough to do whatever I want. Or what my daughter's want.
Hopefully, from august and further, things will change, even though I will not a steady job, but will have a job, and at the end of the month, some money I will be able to count on.
It sucks so bad that, I can't even remember the last time I had to think about not having enough money to pay my bills. I mean, I never been rich, far from it, but always had enough to do my stuff and more.
I had to ask my dad for help, he did, but still, been awhile since I had to discuss with him, or anyone for that matter, about my finances and I feel embarrassed on being a grown up woman, a mother, and not have enough stability to provide to my child.
It is not missing anything for her, not at all, but I mean, I can't take her to the park and buy ice cream for example, or we will not be able to go to the park again the day after, or to the beach…
I just want to cry, on disappointment, but I know that will get better. But still…
I think f al the problems, money is the worse.
Anyway, I am looking forward to start working and feel myself as a person again, as someone that actually produces something, that is needed!
August can't get here soon enough!!
The fucking CSN decided, I don't know how, that they paid too much on student aid and will not for the last 8 weeks of studies I have left. WTF?!
So, this month I am struggling with the economy. Thank God I don't have much to pay, but still… it sucks to be broke and not have enough to do whatever I want. Or what my daughter's want.
Hopefully, from august and further, things will change, even though I will not a steady job, but will have a job, and at the end of the month, some money I will be able to count on.
It sucks so bad that, I can't even remember the last time I had to think about not having enough money to pay my bills. I mean, I never been rich, far from it, but always had enough to do my stuff and more.
I had to ask my dad for help, he did, but still, been awhile since I had to discuss with him, or anyone for that matter, about my finances and I feel embarrassed on being a grown up woman, a mother, and not have enough stability to provide to my child.
It is not missing anything for her, not at all, but I mean, I can't take her to the park and buy ice cream for example, or we will not be able to go to the park again the day after, or to the beach…
I just want to cry, on disappointment, but I know that will get better. But still…
I think f al the problems, money is the worse.
Anyway, I am looking forward to start working and feel myself as a person again, as someone that actually produces something, that is needed!
August can't get here soon enough!!
måndag 13 juli 2015
The lies we tell ourselves
It is funny how we keep telling ourselves that everything is alright and that everything is gonna be alright. Is it really the truth? How can we know that something is going to be alright when we don't know what is going to happen?
We hope for the best and we work our butts off to make it happen to turn up good, but how can we be 100% sure about it? And why is it so hard to just trust faith and wait patiently for it to turn up good?
I've had lots of thoughts about what I want to happen in the future, I mean, things might change now, things that I planned or thought about doing in a certain way, may be happening differently now. Is it good? Is it bad? Who can tell?
I mean, my plan was to finish my swedish classes and go to university and study social work and that was it. But now, I face myself thinking that I maybe want a family, maybe I want get married, maybe I want to move somewhere else…
I always had this dream, even though I lie about it, that I would marry and have 2 kids. it didn't happen, I have one kid and I am too old to get married. But I still think about someone proposing to me in a restaurant, or at any public place, like the movies, where the other people would applaud and get as emotional as me, and I would say YES and we would live happily ever after.
Does happily ever after really exist?
I am not the kind of person who gives up, I try my best, the impossible, to fix things, to work it out, to make it better. Is everybody like that? Is him like that?
Would him give up at the first sign of difficult or problem? Would him fight for it? Would him see it is worth to try fixing it?
So many questions and so little answers.
I will keep lying to myself and saying that everything is alright and that everything is gonna be alright. It is easier that way, easier to cope with the everyday challenges and keep moving on.
Things are good, perfect, amazing. So that is not really a lie. Everything is alright, and why shouldn't things going to keep being alright? No reason. Cant find one. So maybe that isn't a lie, not totally a one.
I still dream of the restaurant or any public place. Silly girly dream. I am a girl after all. All girls dream of it, prince charming and stuff. I have a prince charming, as charming as possible, and even if I don't have the restaurant, he gave other "prince charming"stuff that are just as good.
So everything IS alright. Everything is GOING TO BE alright. because it is ME who decides it. Not my fear. Not my doubts. Only ME. And I have decided that all IS good and should keep this way.
:D
We hope for the best and we work our butts off to make it happen to turn up good, but how can we be 100% sure about it? And why is it so hard to just trust faith and wait patiently for it to turn up good?
I've had lots of thoughts about what I want to happen in the future, I mean, things might change now, things that I planned or thought about doing in a certain way, may be happening differently now. Is it good? Is it bad? Who can tell?
I mean, my plan was to finish my swedish classes and go to university and study social work and that was it. But now, I face myself thinking that I maybe want a family, maybe I want get married, maybe I want to move somewhere else…
I always had this dream, even though I lie about it, that I would marry and have 2 kids. it didn't happen, I have one kid and I am too old to get married. But I still think about someone proposing to me in a restaurant, or at any public place, like the movies, where the other people would applaud and get as emotional as me, and I would say YES and we would live happily ever after.
Does happily ever after really exist?
I am not the kind of person who gives up, I try my best, the impossible, to fix things, to work it out, to make it better. Is everybody like that? Is him like that?
Would him give up at the first sign of difficult or problem? Would him fight for it? Would him see it is worth to try fixing it?
So many questions and so little answers.
I will keep lying to myself and saying that everything is alright and that everything is gonna be alright. It is easier that way, easier to cope with the everyday challenges and keep moving on.
Things are good, perfect, amazing. So that is not really a lie. Everything is alright, and why shouldn't things going to keep being alright? No reason. Cant find one. So maybe that isn't a lie, not totally a one.
I still dream of the restaurant or any public place. Silly girly dream. I am a girl after all. All girls dream of it, prince charming and stuff. I have a prince charming, as charming as possible, and even if I don't have the restaurant, he gave other "prince charming"stuff that are just as good.
So everything IS alright. Everything is GOING TO BE alright. because it is ME who decides it. Not my fear. Not my doubts. Only ME. And I have decided that all IS good and should keep this way.
:D
tisdag 7 juli 2015
Tell Me Why
I have no words to begin to describe how those last few weeks has been. I can't say how wonderful and lovely those past days were without feeling a little emotional about it. The only thing is, it was AMAZING!
But, and there is always a but, I still feel a lot of that shit insecurity and in the back of my head I am expecting for all to blow! I know I don't need to, or don't have to or have a reason to, but still…
Yes, I do feel threatened from her, and I mean, why people have to be friends when they have no longer anything in common to share with? Excuse me, but all this crap talk about "we can still be friends"after a break up is bullshit to me. Sounds like someone has a hidden agenda. I may be totally wrong, but that how it feels.
I see like less than zero reasons to feel that way, and have been proved wrong many times, and I must trust, but what can I do? Tell me why I can't just take away this stupid feeling from inside of me and just enjoy the rest to the fullest??? I don't get it!
And I also know that all this crap will somehow turn rings into a different direction, because I know myself enough to know that, someday, somehow, I am just gonna put up my grumpy face and not talk about it and he will get mad for not understanding what is going on (with will be nothing) and we will have an argument, and I suck on that, and all will be gone. But why do I have to feel this way? Why he have to keep contact with her? I mean, if both moved on with their lives, so move on and bye bye.
I don't know much about the story, but I know it didn't work out for family issues, her family. So of course they both still have feelings for each other, and maybe in another time or life, they would be still together, or might get back together, and where do I stand in all of this?? I know! Again left alone broken into a million pieces and without a single soul to help me get myself together.
I am tired of this, I am happy, despite this crap thoughts, and I am having a really good time, so why keep thinking all of this? Why not just relax and enjoy?
I try, I swear to God that I try, as hard as I can, but there are still a few moments where those thoughts come back and there we go again, Ana Thaire full of doubts and fears! SHIT!!!!!!
I know it is soon to say it, but even thou all those over thinking and maybe making up stuff where there is none, I see a good thing, I see a future, I see someone that respect me as I am and appreciate the moments we have together, so why?? WHY??????
It is funny because I was keeping my guard so up and trying not to fall, and guess what? I fell so hard that to hurts! But it hurts in a good way. I feel safe in his arms, I laugh with all of me, I can be myself without being judged, and I can finally say that I am having happy days! The so expected happy days.
But when I am alone, alone with my thoughts, all the crap comes back to haunt me and make me unsafe and scared… I don't want to have this anymore, I want to enjoy it and just feel happy all the time. Is it too much to ask?
And it is not his fault, he give me no reason to doubt him or not to trust what he does or say, it is ME, only me! It is my fault and my damaged mind that always try to sabotage what I try so hard to make good. Please, just stop!
Well, eyes are teared up, so time to stop. TTYL
But, and there is always a but, I still feel a lot of that shit insecurity and in the back of my head I am expecting for all to blow! I know I don't need to, or don't have to or have a reason to, but still…
Yes, I do feel threatened from her, and I mean, why people have to be friends when they have no longer anything in common to share with? Excuse me, but all this crap talk about "we can still be friends"after a break up is bullshit to me. Sounds like someone has a hidden agenda. I may be totally wrong, but that how it feels.
I see like less than zero reasons to feel that way, and have been proved wrong many times, and I must trust, but what can I do? Tell me why I can't just take away this stupid feeling from inside of me and just enjoy the rest to the fullest??? I don't get it!
And I also know that all this crap will somehow turn rings into a different direction, because I know myself enough to know that, someday, somehow, I am just gonna put up my grumpy face and not talk about it and he will get mad for not understanding what is going on (with will be nothing) and we will have an argument, and I suck on that, and all will be gone. But why do I have to feel this way? Why he have to keep contact with her? I mean, if both moved on with their lives, so move on and bye bye.
I don't know much about the story, but I know it didn't work out for family issues, her family. So of course they both still have feelings for each other, and maybe in another time or life, they would be still together, or might get back together, and where do I stand in all of this?? I know! Again left alone broken into a million pieces and without a single soul to help me get myself together.
I am tired of this, I am happy, despite this crap thoughts, and I am having a really good time, so why keep thinking all of this? Why not just relax and enjoy?
I try, I swear to God that I try, as hard as I can, but there are still a few moments where those thoughts come back and there we go again, Ana Thaire full of doubts and fears! SHIT!!!!!!
I know it is soon to say it, but even thou all those over thinking and maybe making up stuff where there is none, I see a good thing, I see a future, I see someone that respect me as I am and appreciate the moments we have together, so why?? WHY??????
It is funny because I was keeping my guard so up and trying not to fall, and guess what? I fell so hard that to hurts! But it hurts in a good way. I feel safe in his arms, I laugh with all of me, I can be myself without being judged, and I can finally say that I am having happy days! The so expected happy days.
But when I am alone, alone with my thoughts, all the crap comes back to haunt me and make me unsafe and scared… I don't want to have this anymore, I want to enjoy it and just feel happy all the time. Is it too much to ask?
And it is not his fault, he give me no reason to doubt him or not to trust what he does or say, it is ME, only me! It is my fault and my damaged mind that always try to sabotage what I try so hard to make good. Please, just stop!
Well, eyes are teared up, so time to stop. TTYL
tisdag 16 juni 2015
Just like a dream
First of all I want to say that I went to my first job interview in Sweden, and I got the job. YAY! The interview was all in swedish, a language that is not my own and that I am not fluent in, but I am very proud of myself for making it, and fortunately I got the job, but even if I didn't, I would be as proud.
Second of all, I now have a boyfriend. Yes, a BOYFRIEND. can you imagine that? It sound as weird as it is actually, but I could not be happier with all the good things that are happening to me lately.
I am so happy for the job, and how my life is going, and for having the opportunity to share this with him, who is a wonderful person, a very nice guy, handsome, pretty, funny, gentle, caring, I mean, I only have good things to tell you about him. Its been so long I felt that way, that sometimes I caught myself expecting for me to wake up and realize that all is a dream, but the good thing is: IT IS NOT!!!!
I knew that good things come tho those who wait, and I am so happy that I got all the patience and went through all the suffering I have been, to finally be able to smile and sighs without have to worry about tomorrow. I am just having a good time and I can share all this with this amazing person that chose to be with me and doesn't really care how broken I am. He promised to kill spiders for me! How lovely is that? HAHA
But seriously, Its been a long awhile since I have been smiling out of nowhere, and smile just because I have received a "good morning"SMS, or whatever. I mean, everything is so good, so so good, that I fear about telling it out loud and mess it up!
BUt I am HAPPY!!! ANd that is the only things that matter. I have a job, a amazing daughter, a boyfriend who like me, it seems genuine, and I am doing great! Summer is here and we are going to travel for a week with the kids, I update when we get back!!
"because I am happy"
Second of all, I now have a boyfriend. Yes, a BOYFRIEND. can you imagine that? It sound as weird as it is actually, but I could not be happier with all the good things that are happening to me lately.
I am so happy for the job, and how my life is going, and for having the opportunity to share this with him, who is a wonderful person, a very nice guy, handsome, pretty, funny, gentle, caring, I mean, I only have good things to tell you about him. Its been so long I felt that way, that sometimes I caught myself expecting for me to wake up and realize that all is a dream, but the good thing is: IT IS NOT!!!!
I knew that good things come tho those who wait, and I am so happy that I got all the patience and went through all the suffering I have been, to finally be able to smile and sighs without have to worry about tomorrow. I am just having a good time and I can share all this with this amazing person that chose to be with me and doesn't really care how broken I am. He promised to kill spiders for me! How lovely is that? HAHA
But seriously, Its been a long awhile since I have been smiling out of nowhere, and smile just because I have received a "good morning"SMS, or whatever. I mean, everything is so good, so so good, that I fear about telling it out loud and mess it up!
BUt I am HAPPY!!! ANd that is the only things that matter. I have a job, a amazing daughter, a boyfriend who like me, it seems genuine, and I am doing great! Summer is here and we are going to travel for a week with the kids, I update when we get back!!
"because I am happy"
måndag 1 juni 2015
lördag 30 maj 2015
Once upon a time
Thoughts and thoughts run into my head right now. A mix of feelings. Fear, excitement, pleasure, cautions… don't know exactly what all that means, but it is good.
Ofcourse if I stop and over think it all, wich is very much like me to do, fear will overcome and destroy everything.
Wish I could, just for once, enjoy things as they are and not doubt or fear what is yet to come!
Almost 5 months have passed, and things couldn't be better. Having a good time and things seems finally been falling into places, but who knows?
Not me! That s for sure… But all the excitement make me crave for more and more, make me look forward for what is next and expect only the good in it.
Summer is around the corner and everything is colorful and nice. Good days, peace and love are living here at this very moment.
Cant wait for new updates on the front, but I guess patience is not one of my virtues, still working on that, and I will have to wait a little longer to be sure of what all this means.
School the same shit as always, but getting better. Got 2 job interviews, with is amazing. So, finally, life is taking a turn at the right direction and I am finding my way here.
Long time no see. Promise to be more active. But you know, I am enjoying fully all the good things happening to me right now. Must do it while it last! And hopefully will last for a long time. maybe forever?
Well, we must WAIT and see!
Love. Always <3
Ofcourse if I stop and over think it all, wich is very much like me to do, fear will overcome and destroy everything.
Wish I could, just for once, enjoy things as they are and not doubt or fear what is yet to come!
Almost 5 months have passed, and things couldn't be better. Having a good time and things seems finally been falling into places, but who knows?
Not me! That s for sure… But all the excitement make me crave for more and more, make me look forward for what is next and expect only the good in it.
Summer is around the corner and everything is colorful and nice. Good days, peace and love are living here at this very moment.
Cant wait for new updates on the front, but I guess patience is not one of my virtues, still working on that, and I will have to wait a little longer to be sure of what all this means.
School the same shit as always, but getting better. Got 2 job interviews, with is amazing. So, finally, life is taking a turn at the right direction and I am finding my way here.
Long time no see. Promise to be more active. But you know, I am enjoying fully all the good things happening to me right now. Must do it while it last! And hopefully will last for a long time. maybe forever?
Well, we must WAIT and see!
Love. Always <3
tisdag 24 februari 2015
And the Oscar goes to...
Finally, after a very long storm, I could relax and have a very nice weekend. Sorry for the delay on updating, but had much with the school, we moved to another place, and it sucks big time, I had a lot of homework to do and was really tired!
Anyway, I think I finally realized that it wasn't my fault, and could let me be open to new opportunities in my life, and I had a GREAT time! Thanks for asking.
I needed that closure and all that childish behavior to finally realized that I was wasting my precious and very expensive time, putting effort on someone that doesn't want or deserve - for crying out loud - anything from me, except my silence and distance. Too bad.
Some people only realize what they lost when they lose it, with is the case. For me, the realization was for the best. I can finally breathe without having to think if it is hurting someone, or be very careful about what I do or think. Bye bye sucker!!
Well, things seems to be going on a very nice and relaxing way, I am just gonna sit here and enjoy the ride while I can, because you know, based on history, soon or later, shit will happen…
But I am happy, looking forward and in peace. And that is what matter.
School still sucks and I still think I am too old for this shit, but… We must do what we must do…
Be kind people!
Anyway, I think I finally realized that it wasn't my fault, and could let me be open to new opportunities in my life, and I had a GREAT time! Thanks for asking.
I needed that closure and all that childish behavior to finally realized that I was wasting my precious and very expensive time, putting effort on someone that doesn't want or deserve - for crying out loud - anything from me, except my silence and distance. Too bad.
Some people only realize what they lost when they lose it, with is the case. For me, the realization was for the best. I can finally breathe without having to think if it is hurting someone, or be very careful about what I do or think. Bye bye sucker!!
Well, things seems to be going on a very nice and relaxing way, I am just gonna sit here and enjoy the ride while I can, because you know, based on history, soon or later, shit will happen…
But I am happy, looking forward and in peace. And that is what matter.
School still sucks and I still think I am too old for this shit, but… We must do what we must do…
Be kind people!
torsdag 19 februari 2015
Liar Liar Pants On Fire
One month since that 19th january where I cried my eyes out, and it still hurts. Not all the feelings and stuff, but the lies, the fact that you believe someone and trust someone and this someone just play with you and lie to you and lie about be lying…
Just sad.
I needed some closure, and I had it a couple of days ago, was painful, but very much necessary.
Now I think I can finally just have those feelings inside me and not let it hurt me anymore, because if someone hurt you, someone you trust, someone who promised not hurt you, it will always be in the back of your mind, but someday, when you think about that person, you will not cry anymore, but will smile thinking about how much you have learned, and how much you are a better person because of that, while that person will still be small and miserable, trying to find happiness while making other sad.
It still hurt, and I still cry a little, but it also shall pass.
Now homework time, because my life doesn't stop because someone is a jerk.
PEACE
Just sad.
I needed some closure, and I had it a couple of days ago, was painful, but very much necessary.
Now I think I can finally just have those feelings inside me and not let it hurt me anymore, because if someone hurt you, someone you trust, someone who promised not hurt you, it will always be in the back of your mind, but someday, when you think about that person, you will not cry anymore, but will smile thinking about how much you have learned, and how much you are a better person because of that, while that person will still be small and miserable, trying to find happiness while making other sad.
It still hurt, and I still cry a little, but it also shall pass.
Now homework time, because my life doesn't stop because someone is a jerk.
PEACE
lördag 14 februari 2015
Valentine's day
Today. Why people need a special day to tell to their beloved ones that they love them? Why is it so hard to show love in a daily basis? Why?
So overrated to have a day to show love. I mean, is not only saying I love you, or give presents, or flowers, chocolates whatever. Is more about actions. For me at least.
I haven't got any flower, or chocolate (except the one I bought for my self) or presents, but I been awake this morning with a very simple, but yet, meaningful text message, that, to me, meant more than any other thing.
Didn't have anything special written, but just the feeling to know that someone thing about you and care enough to send you a text message early in a saturday morning to wish you a happy valentine's day, makes things pretty.
Mine, was sent late… and I know I won't get any answer, but the point of giving is not to expect anything back, so I just give.
And ofcourse I also answered my morning text message sender right after I read the message :)
Anyway… I try to tell to the ones I love and care about as much as possible how much I love and care about them, and I don't need a day in february, once a year, to make it happen.
But, just in case, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
We should always remember to be kind to one another and always, ALWAYS, spread love!
So overrated to have a day to show love. I mean, is not only saying I love you, or give presents, or flowers, chocolates whatever. Is more about actions. For me at least.
I haven't got any flower, or chocolate (except the one I bought for my self) or presents, but I been awake this morning with a very simple, but yet, meaningful text message, that, to me, meant more than any other thing.
Didn't have anything special written, but just the feeling to know that someone thing about you and care enough to send you a text message early in a saturday morning to wish you a happy valentine's day, makes things pretty.
Mine, was sent late… and I know I won't get any answer, but the point of giving is not to expect anything back, so I just give.
And ofcourse I also answered my morning text message sender right after I read the message :)
Anyway… I try to tell to the ones I love and care about as much as possible how much I love and care about them, and I don't need a day in february, once a year, to make it happen.
But, just in case, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
We should always remember to be kind to one another and always, ALWAYS, spread love!
torsdag 12 februari 2015
1,2,3 breath!
It's funny how we are never satisfied with what we have.
I am totally bored with what is going on now, not bored exactly, but I wish it was someone else.
Today I realized that I wish to see the white BMW out front someday, and I am not really sure what would happen, or why it would be there, or what I would say, but I wish that.
It is like I am in love, but I am sure I am not. Maybe is the rejection? I don't know, I just know that is not a good feeling to have such a happiness and so suddenly it to be gone! Its very sad and terrifying.
I am trying, very hard, but I don't see anything more than what is happening now, and I feel sorry, because I shouldn't do that to anyone, but what can I do? I am trying, very hard, but it just doenst go….
I miss the time where I was in love with Kevin from backstreet Boys and my only concern was to be back home in time from school to watch their videoclip premiere on MTV…. Good times. Old times!
Well, I have promised myself that what happened last september would not be a pattern and would not happen again because of anyone, and I will keep this promise.
I am totally bored with what is going on now, not bored exactly, but I wish it was someone else.
Today I realized that I wish to see the white BMW out front someday, and I am not really sure what would happen, or why it would be there, or what I would say, but I wish that.
It is like I am in love, but I am sure I am not. Maybe is the rejection? I don't know, I just know that is not a good feeling to have such a happiness and so suddenly it to be gone! Its very sad and terrifying.
I am trying, very hard, but I don't see anything more than what is happening now, and I feel sorry, because I shouldn't do that to anyone, but what can I do? I am trying, very hard, but it just doenst go….
I miss the time where I was in love with Kevin from backstreet Boys and my only concern was to be back home in time from school to watch their videoclip premiere on MTV…. Good times. Old times!
Well, I have promised myself that what happened last september would not be a pattern and would not happen again because of anyone, and I will keep this promise.
söndag 25 januari 2015
They see me rollin They hatin...
Oh well! Another week has passed and to be hones I thought it would be more hard than it actually went!
I woke up this morning feel in wonderfully wonderful, for no special reason, I am just very happy with myself and with the way my life is going.
I still feel a little blue sometimes from what happened last week, but I know he doesn't deserve someone like me. he want average, submission, boredom, and I am far from all this! So, lets keep moving bitches!!!
had an amazing time at the gym today. yes, sunday is also a day to work out. I have been doing a lot of it lately, everyday, and must be all the endorphin coming through my brain giving me all this happiness, but who cares? I surely don't!
Its been a long while since I felt so good with myself like I am feeling now, and to make things more nice, I am going out for a dinner on wednesday with a very nice guy. Funny how things happen.
I was actually not giving any credit to this, but we have been texting each other every day, from morning to evening, and feels good. SO we will see.
I told this 2015 would be my year, and I will make it!!
School is a little hard and with a lot of papers to write, in swedish, but I am doing ok, have been approved on all the papers I have already sent, and don't want it to change. The teacher says I am very good on what I am doing and I am probably be done in the summer. Wich is amazing, so my plan can keep on track of time and maybe next fall I will be an university student. AGAIN!!!
Da is planning to come visit in the spring, a bittersweet emotion there, but will be nice to have someone to help with miss S for awhile, especially because by then school will probably be harder.
But what is making me smile the most, is the fact that I found out that someone just lost a LOT, and I mean a LOT LOT!!! And it make me feel sorry for him, but at the same time amuse me. I know its evil, and you are not suppose to be happy for someone else's misery, but he is not feeling miserable at all, maybe he will regret, maybe he will now, just time will tell, but I feel really good cause I realized that it wasn't me who had the big loss, but him!
I am an amazing and terrific person, and is too bad for him that he didn't see it. Probably my wednesday dinner company have already realized that and that is why we are getting along so well. Probably.
Anyway, now I have a couple of assignments to write. Good night fellas!
I woke up this morning feel in wonderfully wonderful, for no special reason, I am just very happy with myself and with the way my life is going.
I still feel a little blue sometimes from what happened last week, but I know he doesn't deserve someone like me. he want average, submission, boredom, and I am far from all this! So, lets keep moving bitches!!!
had an amazing time at the gym today. yes, sunday is also a day to work out. I have been doing a lot of it lately, everyday, and must be all the endorphin coming through my brain giving me all this happiness, but who cares? I surely don't!
Its been a long while since I felt so good with myself like I am feeling now, and to make things more nice, I am going out for a dinner on wednesday with a very nice guy. Funny how things happen.
I was actually not giving any credit to this, but we have been texting each other every day, from morning to evening, and feels good. SO we will see.
I told this 2015 would be my year, and I will make it!!
School is a little hard and with a lot of papers to write, in swedish, but I am doing ok, have been approved on all the papers I have already sent, and don't want it to change. The teacher says I am very good on what I am doing and I am probably be done in the summer. Wich is amazing, so my plan can keep on track of time and maybe next fall I will be an university student. AGAIN!!!
Da is planning to come visit in the spring, a bittersweet emotion there, but will be nice to have someone to help with miss S for awhile, especially because by then school will probably be harder.
But what is making me smile the most, is the fact that I found out that someone just lost a LOT, and I mean a LOT LOT!!! And it make me feel sorry for him, but at the same time amuse me. I know its evil, and you are not suppose to be happy for someone else's misery, but he is not feeling miserable at all, maybe he will regret, maybe he will now, just time will tell, but I feel really good cause I realized that it wasn't me who had the big loss, but him!
I am an amazing and terrific person, and is too bad for him that he didn't see it. Probably my wednesday dinner company have already realized that and that is why we are getting along so well. Probably.
Anyway, now I have a couple of assignments to write. Good night fellas!
torsdag 22 januari 2015
Oh la la la
2 weeks has passed since FP said he doesn't have the "right feelings", whatever it means, and of course I wallow and thought that maybe he was doing a wrong decision, but to be honest, today, I woke up like, whatever, he doesn't deserve me or my feelings and everything that comes with it.
I am focusing on school, with is taking my whole time, and feels good. I start training again, and feels wonderful, think I finally find my place in my life where I can focus on myself instead of trying to please someone else.
And is their own loss, I am an incredible person, and the only who is losing, is the ones that doesn't want to be around me. So FUCK THEM!!!
Cant say I am 100% happy, noone is, but I feel I am on the right path, and will get there. Life is what we make of it, and why spend my time on someone that don't give a rat's ass to me? Right, maybe I am bitter, but who cares? I love myself and I have been through enough shit in my life to be sure that also shall pas.
So I must focus on what is important to ME and work for it.
I still have people around me who would give anything to stay around me, and those people are the ones I should spend my time with and value their time with me. The ones who suddenly decided not to be there, TO BAD FOR THEM!!
I am focusing on school, with is taking my whole time, and feels good. I start training again, and feels wonderful, think I finally find my place in my life where I can focus on myself instead of trying to please someone else.
And is their own loss, I am an incredible person, and the only who is losing, is the ones that doesn't want to be around me. So FUCK THEM!!!
Cant say I am 100% happy, noone is, but I feel I am on the right path, and will get there. Life is what we make of it, and why spend my time on someone that don't give a rat's ass to me? Right, maybe I am bitter, but who cares? I love myself and I have been through enough shit in my life to be sure that also shall pas.
So I must focus on what is important to ME and work for it.
I still have people around me who would give anything to stay around me, and those people are the ones I should spend my time with and value their time with me. The ones who suddenly decided not to be there, TO BAD FOR THEM!!
tisdag 13 januari 2015
Body Electric
"My clothes still smell like you
All the photographs say that, we're still young
I pretend I'm not hurt
I go about the world, like I'm havin' fun"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1TLkdX8zLk
måndag 12 januari 2015
söndag 11 januari 2015
Bipolar Sunday
Sunday again, and it feels like I am getting sick.
Sometimes when I read my posts here, I think I have some problem, sometimes I am very sad and then, the day after I am very happy. Borderline maybe? haha
Anyway, weekend is over, then I just went over my assignments for next week, and have a lot already! Going crazy!!!
My new year resolution of quit smoking turned up to be a big failure, since I am still smoking, but will quit.
I am on the way to change between gym places, hopefully will get it all fixed this week, so I can start training again, feeling little depressed without it, and with a lot of spare time, with is not good. neither for the body or mind!
Had a very nice and fun weekend. Yesterday me and little miss S took the train to Malmö to send the evening and today with FP, was very nice. He cooked for us, then we had dinner and watched a movie. Calm and cozy.
Today we took miss S to ice skating, with was really fun, she was afraid, and so was I! First time, but it went well, and we were there for 2 and a half hour. Then went back to FP apartment, took a nap and time to come back to Ängel-lhålla. Boring.
Feelings were a mix of anxiety, disappointment, happiness and a flu! But it was good.
I felt a little distance and a lot of caution from FP this weekend, but I can understand, I screwed up a few days ago with this stupid mind of mine, so not a really surprise he would take things more careful, since he saw now I am crazy! :P
Anyway, things are slow and calm, with is good, and hopefully will lead to a very good and happy place.
My task for this week is try very hard not to get ahead of myself and not over think stuffs, trying to find things where there are no things to be found! Hope I will make it!
The only thing I can say is, I really liked this weekend, and I am happy that I finally have some company to do stuff with, and kiss, and fall asleep on his chest, and make fun, joke around, and just smile. Is a wonderful feeling. Been awhile I was this relaxed and really enjoying things as they are.
Even with my feeling of the distance, with can possibly mean nothing at all, I felt safe. So all good in the hood!!!! :D
Will start a new week with a big smile and positive thoughts! My borderline brain is on the happy mood today! So lets enjoy it while it last! Lol
Sometimes when I read my posts here, I think I have some problem, sometimes I am very sad and then, the day after I am very happy. Borderline maybe? haha
Anyway, weekend is over, then I just went over my assignments for next week, and have a lot already! Going crazy!!!
My new year resolution of quit smoking turned up to be a big failure, since I am still smoking, but will quit.
I am on the way to change between gym places, hopefully will get it all fixed this week, so I can start training again, feeling little depressed without it, and with a lot of spare time, with is not good. neither for the body or mind!
Had a very nice and fun weekend. Yesterday me and little miss S took the train to Malmö to send the evening and today with FP, was very nice. He cooked for us, then we had dinner and watched a movie. Calm and cozy.
Today we took miss S to ice skating, with was really fun, she was afraid, and so was I! First time, but it went well, and we were there for 2 and a half hour. Then went back to FP apartment, took a nap and time to come back to Ängel-lhålla. Boring.
Feelings were a mix of anxiety, disappointment, happiness and a flu! But it was good.
I felt a little distance and a lot of caution from FP this weekend, but I can understand, I screwed up a few days ago with this stupid mind of mine, so not a really surprise he would take things more careful, since he saw now I am crazy! :P
Anyway, things are slow and calm, with is good, and hopefully will lead to a very good and happy place.
My task for this week is try very hard not to get ahead of myself and not over think stuffs, trying to find things where there are no things to be found! Hope I will make it!
The only thing I can say is, I really liked this weekend, and I am happy that I finally have some company to do stuff with, and kiss, and fall asleep on his chest, and make fun, joke around, and just smile. Is a wonderful feeling. Been awhile I was this relaxed and really enjoying things as they are.
Even with my feeling of the distance, with can possibly mean nothing at all, I felt safe. So all good in the hood!!!! :D
Will start a new week with a big smile and positive thoughts! My borderline brain is on the happy mood today! So lets enjoy it while it last! Lol
fredag 9 januari 2015
Another day, Another dollar
Friday again, and I am sitting here with my thoughts running around my brain as a marathon!
A lot of planning to do. School started and it seems a lot, more than I can handle, it is so frustrating to have to be in school again, after all those years, I just feel dumb and stupid. But I will make it, no matter what.
In 6 days, little miss one will be 5 years old, and times just fly! Cant believe 5 years already has passed. So much we have done and been through! She is just amazing day after day.
I think I am getting sick, a cold or something, been feeling for a couple of days now, but nothing really happened yet, so can't be totally sure.
Was just tripping today on my way back home, how would be nice to have a movie scene happening to me, like the guy coming to my door unannounced, with flowers, or chocolate or whatever, and I was going to be home, with my hair in a pony tail and my horrible wear pants and my minnie mouse Pj's t-shirt… Just so stupid! Movies are movies and this is real life. Would be nice though.
I want to travel this year, although, the economy must not allow me, but I want at least get one of my dream wish list item done! Northern lights. Tried that last september when I was in Umeaå, but RB said it was still too much light to be able to see. Maybe I will succeed.
The trip to Brazil won't happen next month, I am sad but happy, I really didn't want to go, but would have been nice to skip the winter for a couple of weeks, anyway….
Probably dad is coming sometime in the spring instead, hopefully I will be feel in better and able to enjoy the beautiful swedish landscape during spring/summer.
I am geting to know a very nice person, but I think I have already screwed things up a little with this stupid head of mine and my power of over thinking, or as he said. "over analyzing" everything. Cant do much now, but wait and see.
Hope I am wrong, I was feeling very good, and still am, thought I would might be on the right path to make myself happy and have someone coming along to enjoy and share it. And I REALLY hope that this little (but yet big) thing that happened, just don't ruin everything.
Well, I am very tired today, learn swedish really takes off my energy, so will be a very easy and lazy friday evening with my little miss.
Catch up later!
A lot of planning to do. School started and it seems a lot, more than I can handle, it is so frustrating to have to be in school again, after all those years, I just feel dumb and stupid. But I will make it, no matter what.
In 6 days, little miss one will be 5 years old, and times just fly! Cant believe 5 years already has passed. So much we have done and been through! She is just amazing day after day.
I think I am getting sick, a cold or something, been feeling for a couple of days now, but nothing really happened yet, so can't be totally sure.
Was just tripping today on my way back home, how would be nice to have a movie scene happening to me, like the guy coming to my door unannounced, with flowers, or chocolate or whatever, and I was going to be home, with my hair in a pony tail and my horrible wear pants and my minnie mouse Pj's t-shirt… Just so stupid! Movies are movies and this is real life. Would be nice though.
I want to travel this year, although, the economy must not allow me, but I want at least get one of my dream wish list item done! Northern lights. Tried that last september when I was in Umeaå, but RB said it was still too much light to be able to see. Maybe I will succeed.
The trip to Brazil won't happen next month, I am sad but happy, I really didn't want to go, but would have been nice to skip the winter for a couple of weeks, anyway….
Probably dad is coming sometime in the spring instead, hopefully I will be feel in better and able to enjoy the beautiful swedish landscape during spring/summer.
I am geting to know a very nice person, but I think I have already screwed things up a little with this stupid head of mine and my power of over thinking, or as he said. "over analyzing" everything. Cant do much now, but wait and see.
Hope I am wrong, I was feeling very good, and still am, thought I would might be on the right path to make myself happy and have someone coming along to enjoy and share it. And I REALLY hope that this little (but yet big) thing that happened, just don't ruin everything.
Well, I am very tired today, learn swedish really takes off my energy, so will be a very easy and lazy friday evening with my little miss.
Catch up later!
onsdag 7 januari 2015
New Year, Old Story
It is amazing how I have the power of just turning something good into something really bad.
I am not really sure if people actually read what I write here, and I don't care, but if some do, probably they think my life is so miserable and I just should end it. Why not?
Everything I post sounds sad and desperate enough, and lots of drama in it.
Not what I want. I swear!!! But I can't help it! I am just being haunted for some old feelings that always make me mess up everything. And I am fucking tired of it!
Then you ask me: "Why don't you change it?", and then I answer you my friend, I have tried. And I still do try, but it seems that, doesn't matter how hard I try, there will always be something to remind me how messed up everything is and will make me just see the bad in everything.
7 days of the new year of 2015 has just passed, and when i thought that this time, for a change, I would be able to not think about all this shit, guess what? Exactly!
Am I such a horrible person that I can't, just for once, smile without thinking about when the sad tears will come? Am I that so hideous human being that I don't deserve, not even once, have things working on my side?
I dont understand. I really don't. All the religions says that, if you put the good out there, good will return to you. Hellooooooo! I am right here waiting for this moment.
Not to count the fact that I have to start my whole life over for the, I don't know with numbers of times, at the age of 31, in a completely weird and different country, with an extraterrestrial language that drives me insane, I still have to deal with this fucking ghost that seems to very a very comfortable home inside me!
I just wanted to feel safe, and secure, and happy, and not have to worry that tomorrow or the day after all of that good feelings will be gone, and I will be on ground zero again.
Is that too much to ask?
I am not really sure if people actually read what I write here, and I don't care, but if some do, probably they think my life is so miserable and I just should end it. Why not?
Everything I post sounds sad and desperate enough, and lots of drama in it.
Not what I want. I swear!!! But I can't help it! I am just being haunted for some old feelings that always make me mess up everything. And I am fucking tired of it!
Then you ask me: "Why don't you change it?", and then I answer you my friend, I have tried. And I still do try, but it seems that, doesn't matter how hard I try, there will always be something to remind me how messed up everything is and will make me just see the bad in everything.
7 days of the new year of 2015 has just passed, and when i thought that this time, for a change, I would be able to not think about all this shit, guess what? Exactly!
Am I such a horrible person that I can't, just for once, smile without thinking about when the sad tears will come? Am I that so hideous human being that I don't deserve, not even once, have things working on my side?
I dont understand. I really don't. All the religions says that, if you put the good out there, good will return to you. Hellooooooo! I am right here waiting for this moment.
Not to count the fact that I have to start my whole life over for the, I don't know with numbers of times, at the age of 31, in a completely weird and different country, with an extraterrestrial language that drives me insane, I still have to deal with this fucking ghost that seems to very a very comfortable home inside me!
I just wanted to feel safe, and secure, and happy, and not have to worry that tomorrow or the day after all of that good feelings will be gone, and I will be on ground zero again.
Is that too much to ask?
söndag 4 januari 2015
Two Thousand And Fifitheen
And a new year began…
I had a very nice time on new years eve, with friends and my daughter. Was really a GREAT evening and start of this new year.
New things are going to start to MYSELF and it feels amazing!!!
I am tired and don't want write anymore. So HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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