It is incredibly funny how we want something so much and then when we get it, we have no idea how to react.
I had an incredible birthday day and weekend, fun and loving.
The moving in together is gonna actually happen sooner than I expected and I am a lot scared about how I am going to handle it. I am not a "live together"kinda of person… I am hard to be around everyday, sometimes even me want to kick my ass out… but I want to make it the best thing ever and make him happy and more important, make me happier!
Also we had a fight. Or an argument. because of my jealousy. Sometimes it is hard to control. I mean, my entire life has been full of lies and people betraying my trust and cheating on my feelings, that it is hard to focus on the good all the time without expecting something bad coming to happen.
Anyway, he handled things well, I apologized for my behavior a few days later, or the day after, but THAT happened!
Yes he said he loves me. he actually said I LOVE YOU. Can you imagine that???!
I was like without a reaction, couldn't reply "me too"the second after, as it should be, because I was caught on surprise. We were in the middle of an argument, and he just shout out that. Who does that? :O
Well, I cried, of course, and said it back. First I thought he was just saying, babbling words just to make me calm down and stop arguing, and I asked him if he really meant that or if he was just saying. And he said he REALLY meant that.
I mean, I felt like a teenager girl who just have been kissed for the first time, all the feelings and emotions and all… but in a good way.
Everything is just so perfect. We are gonna be a family, fall asleep and wake up next to each other every day, can't wait.
And he made me promise that I would always kiss him good night, no matter what. I have waiting for a moment like this for so long… I can't even begin to say how happy I am. But also scared.
Scared of fail, of ruin things, of being a pain in his ass, of being so hard to handle that he will prefer to be out instead of being with me…
And by knowing all that I know also that I have a lot to change in my self to become a better self, it is hard though. I have insecurity and trust issues that I try so hard to pass through, but then they just come and make all crazy and jealous…
But I couldn't have asked for a better person to be with. he is just so amazing in so many ways that is unbelievable! And I think that, for that and many other reasons, I must make myself better to be with him, because he deserves the best, and I want to be the best for him.
Hope he stay long enough to enjoy it. It seems he will.
BUT…
