Independence and rejection

Once I heard from a friend, almost 10 years ago, that men are afraid of me. her explanation was that I am too independent, that I don't let the "man"feels like I need him. She might have it right.
I don't like to show vulnerability, I can do whatever I want.
Sure I am spoiled and I would like to have people around me doing stuff for me, but its not about that. Its about to not need anyone else but me to live my life.
I don't need a man to be happy. I don't need a man to feel I am wanted. I am enough.

On the other hand, I don't deal very good, must say very bad, with rejection. And is not like Ï don't like you"kinda of rejection. Is the rejection when you know that everything is perfectly fine and still you get a cold shoulder. WTF??

It took me years to get my self confidence, to feel pretty, to dare to say and do stuff, and then come an asshole and say NO?!
I mean, seriously dude!

It might sound like bullshit or a bunch of crap, but I can't deal with that. When someone says no to me it seems that a flame light up inside of me and I MUST do that anyway. Maybe for the rush, the adrenaline of prove to everybody that they were wrong all along, I don't know.
This feeling is my drug. Dont ever tell me I can't do anything, because it is when I will want to that the most.

Complicated? A lot. Weird? To say the least.
But it is what it is. And as long as I don't get what I want the way I want, I don't give up. Some call it a quality, some call it a flaw. Who knows?

/A

Birthday week blue

Its funny you think you can live without your family friends close and feel a temporally joy by being alone and by yourself, but when its time to celebrate, and doesn't matter if its christmas, easter, birthday or just an accomplishment, you don't want to be alone.

Its hard to not have anyone to share your happiness with, or just having someone to drink wine and talk shit until the sun comes up.
I miss those times.

Is when those days come that I realize how lonely I am. I am not sad or miserable, I am just alone. And being alone is not always a good thing.

I miss having someone to call to when something good happen to me. Or something bad. Someone to just say "lets go"and hear "lets".

Life is hard and a long road, and I have been walking alone for too long.
I am kinda tired and feeling blue today. But won't let this knock me down. I can do whatever I want. I am!

In 4 days I get one year older. One year wiser. Or not. Looking forward to it.

Later!

Summertime sadness

Summer is over. However for us, whose live in Sweden, summer is like an enchanted event that we wait for long 8 months and when it comes is not exactly like we have waited for... lol

But I have a nice summer. Dad came from Brazil and was here for 3 weeks, S is great as always and amazes me everyday.

I cannot write here without mention that every now and then he pass by my mind... The good thing is that I can now smile, and no cry.
I smile because a year ago from today, I was having one of the hardest weeks of my entire life. And I survived, because this is what i do. I survive. Everyday. Every challenge.

I dont wanna be nostalgic and sad.
I only want to say that summer was good. But short. Too short.
Now focusing on my trip to Brazil to see a real summer. been too long since last time.

Take care!
/A