Once I heard from a friend, almost 10 years ago, that men are afraid of me. her explanation was that I am too independent, that I don't let the "man"feels like I need him. She might have it right.
I don't like to show vulnerability, I can do whatever I want.
Sure I am spoiled and I would like to have people around me doing stuff for me, but its not about that. Its about to not need anyone else but me to live my life.
I don't need a man to be happy. I don't need a man to feel I am wanted. I am enough.
On the other hand, I don't deal very good, must say very bad, with rejection. And is not like Ï don't like you"kinda of rejection. Is the rejection when you know that everything is perfectly fine and still you get a cold shoulder. WTF??
It took me years to get my self confidence, to feel pretty, to dare to say and do stuff, and then come an asshole and say NO?!
I mean, seriously dude!
It might sound like bullshit or a bunch of crap, but I can't deal with that. When someone says no to me it seems that a flame light up inside of me and I MUST do that anyway. Maybe for the rush, the adrenaline of prove to everybody that they were wrong all along, I don't know.
This feeling is my drug. Dont ever tell me I can't do anything, because it is when I will want to that the most.
Complicated? A lot. Weird? To say the least.
But it is what it is. And as long as I don't get what I want the way I want, I don't give up. Some call it a quality, some call it a flaw. Who knows?
/A
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