And so this is Christmas!

One day away from Christmas, and I am sitting home alone eating chips and drinking coke. How fun!
I decided to spend it alone, I am on break from school, so I felt the need to take some time to myself and rest as much as possible before little miss sunshine comes back from the holidays with her father.

Is not a very nice feeling to be alone on Christmas, but I am sure a lot of other people spend it alone, and not by their choice, but maybe because they don't have any family left or any reason to celebrate it. Too many war, killing, sadness and loneliness in this world.

I will still pray for God to bless all and everybody and be happy with the birth of His son, Jesus, but I am kind of homesick.

I might travel to Brasil next year, for a couple of weeks, maybe a month. Haven't decided yet. Will be good to be home, but I will look forward to come back. I don't belong there anymore. I may not belong here either. Guess I had too much time to myself to think, and I am just tripping around with weird thoughts! :)

Anyway…. Merry Christmas people. may God bless all of you and your families and beloved ones!

Dog days are over

Got to know yesterday that my aunt's dog, Pudin, will be put to sleep. Not a very good thing to know, but will be better, since he is old and in pain…
Other than that, yesterday someone sent me not one, but TWO text message, and I know it sounds like I am overreacting, but it totally made my day. It has been a while since I was hoping to unlock my phone and see the sms message there and be THIS message. :)

And today I have a 2:30h very pleasant phone conversation, maybe new years eve will actually bring something new this year! ;)

Friday again, and this week I finished my SFI classes and finally can move on to the next classes I must take before I can go to University here. I know I have been thinking about not study more, since I have already done a quite amount of the of studying before, but it seems it will increase my chances, so why not? And family said that I am not too old to study something new, with I disagree, but what the hell?!

Nothing happen in this little Ängelholm, so no new on that front. SoA is over, that is the only new thing that have happened since I got the information that  have finished SFI.

So this post have a huge chance of going to the most-boring-ever-written-post-ever hall of fame.
But keep racing, maybe in a few days, we can have something even more boring!

T.G.I.F

Oh! Wait!!
It is saturday already! I just missed one day sleeping… how good is that?! :D
Had a pleasant friday evening with lots of chocolate, candy, chips and 2L of coke and movies. All by myself. Lovely isn't it?
Nah… Not really, sometimes loneliness doesn't fit me very well. But it was nice and relaxing and it is good to have some relaxing time before the 4 days of test at school next week. Feeling like I am back in high school. Wich is not good. At all.

Had very strangers and nice dreams last night. With 3 different people in it. Woke up smiling. And today I am blessed with the worse migraine of all times! I just love my saturday.
Been wraping Christmas presents for Miss my daughter almost the whole day, how can someone with only 5 years of existence get so many presents? I can't figure out. And guess if I wrapped any for me? NOPE
I don't get any present apparently. And it is still one present left to be bought, and I have no idea what to buy to this particular person. But either way, hope this person likes whatever I buy. It is not about the material present actually, is just to let this person know I care and have always been thinking about this person. *surprise*

Well, now I am just lay down on my very small, but yet much comfortable, sofa and start a marathon of this lame, but yet intriguing, old Tv-serie named 'Supernatural'.
And will probably have problems to sleep later tonight, with all the spirits and demons in this show.

But hey! Who doesn't?!

Laterz

I can't stop this feeling...

Quote of the day: "I pretend I am not hurt and go about the world like I am fun".
Sounds as sad as it is. not that I don't have fun, I do have fun, but I have this constant feeling that I am not whole, that is always something missing there. but I am not sure where "there"is.
Complicated.

Have a good and relaxing day at home, slept the most, with I much needed, should study some, but where is the energy to do that? Not here ladies and gentlemen.
Finally friday tomorrow, with means I have to run and do a lot of things that should have had been done on the other 4 days of the week, but mehhh, better do all at once. In a rush! Feels more alive! -not

Haven't started Christmas shopping yet, thinking about doing some tomorrow, and take advantage of the fact that little Miss is not home, so I can shopping relaxed and actually chose things with a lot less of sparkles and glitter! :D Gonna love this little girl!

Got in touch with a friend from my childhood, and it was SOOOOO nice! A lot of memories brought back, happy moments, the fact that he was really annoying and never let me sleep in peace, that he was always teasing me together with my brother. Good times. Wish I was 13 again…
He said he is heart broken. Can't believe it, he was the most and bigger 15 years old womanizer that i ever met, hard to believe that he is now actually crying over a girl. But I guess time changes people, as I said to him about myself.
It was just wonderful talk to him again, and laugh and remember how easy it was to sneak at nights, after our parents was sleeping, and stole their cars and drive around the neighborhood, a dangerous feeling that we will never get back.

Or when he skipped school without his mom knowledge just to watch The X-files with me, and then I had to walk with him in the middle of the night back to his apartment, because he was afraid of the aliens. HAHAHAHA  GOLDEN times!
Now I am the one afraid, but none is here to walk me home in the middle of the night. But this ok. Life is about us getting to face our fears, so I am facing mine.

This is getting too too deep. Time to stop!!

PEACE :)

Not a Happy Birthday

Today is my uncle's birthday. Or it would be if he was alive. He died at the age of 54, almost 2 years ago, of a cancer. For smoking.
Me and him, after I grown up, wasn't that close anymore, don't know really why, but it was like that.

The worse thing for me when he died,, was to watch my grandmother, his mother, suffer and grief so intensely that just broke my heart in a zillion pieces.
I find it so horrible to watch someone you love to suffer. It is worse than suffer yourself. And you can't do anything about it. You can't take away their pain or make it better in any way.
Watch a mother cry over a dead kid was the most painful thing that I ever watched! :(

I was working when I got the notice. Over a text message. Who does that?? I answer you: my brother.
He was desperate! He got the new over the phone from my aunt, and then he had to tell my father, my uncle's big brother, I can't imagine how hard it was for him to bring it up to my father. And he said that my fat he sat there for hours without saying a word, or crying or showing any feelings or movement whatsoever! Somehow I am kind relived I wasn't there.

And to make things even better, the day after, when we were suppose to be at my uncle's wake, I found out my former boyfriend was cheating on me. How life can be fun!

Anyway, my uncle should be 55 today. it's sad to see people you love go away. I am not good with loss. I can't understand why people have to leave. It is not fair. It just isn't.

And when you live far away from your family seems all those feelings and emotions get to you even harder. Cant explain It is just so.
Hope someday I learn, by faith, destiny, religion, or whatever is out there, how to handle all this. For now, I just feel sad, and can't help the fact that my grandmother must be going all through the grieving process all over again when she realizes that todays is his birthday. Or was.

Wish I could do something to take this away from her. but I can't. And I hate when I can't do stuff. I just hate it. And what people keep telling me is that he is in a better place. How can they know it? Noone that I am aware of have ever came back from the dead to say that there, wherever there is, is a better place. Better place compared to what? To the love of your friends and family that you left crying over the loss??? Cant imagine it better.
But unless he is not in pain anymore. That is a good thing. Maybe this "there place"is a place where pain doesn't exist. Than there is absolutely a better place. I better believe this way. Should make things easy.

Life goes on

Finally something is happening! YAY!
Not that nothing happens exactly, but you know what I mean! :P

In a week I will be finally over with the boring swedish for immigrants classes and can move on with my educational life. Can't wait for that!

Other than that, Sweden is cold and dark, think this time of the year is the worse. Not snowing yet here, with is Boring, little one is really looking forward to catch some snow, so hopefully will snow anytime soon, otherwise I will have to travel up north to show her the real deal.

My head full with those same thoughts about "you know who", been even dreaming about 2 nights in a row. *SUCKS*
Buuuut, it also shall pass. I must believe it.

I am trying to think very positively about everything and really believe that it is their lost. I am just an amazing human being and deserve to be happy. And I am pursuing my happiness, and will not let anything or anyone get on the way of it!

But I really miss him :( And it sucks to not have anyone to text god morning or good night, or to text to tell that stupid thing that happened to you in the middle of the day, or how happy you are because of everything that is happening with you…
I wonder if he even comes here to this page and read something, or check my instagram/facebook sometimes… But cannot do more than wonder. And when I think about it, comes a following thought: FUCK HIM!

So I think I will keep with the last one! :D
Feels better this way anyway :)
Soon Christmas and Santa Claus :) Love!

Be kind with one another!

Bad Disease

Well there is something about watching a crime,it makes me wanna go out and make it all mineIt's something about seeing you fight,it makes me wanna go out tonight

I got a bad diseaseI got a bad disease to fall into,yeah it's true

There's something about seeing him diethat puts it all into perspective, and Iwanna stay home, be left aloneSomeone make my mind up so I don't have to decide

I got a bad diseaseI got a bad disease to fall into,yeah I do

There's some reason why I can't sit still,every waking moment I feel so unfulfilledI drive and I drown, but I don't know howBaby, when I'm sleeping, if it's less like I'm sleeping

Oh my god,I got a bad diseaseI got a bad disease, it's got me downon my knees

There's a fear I have, a feeling real bad,I'm final if I find out that I'm not, I'll be sadI try to cry to thoughts in the night,oh, they got me thinking I'd be happier just drinkin'

It's not trueI got a bad diseaseI got a bad disease, it's got me downon my kneesI got a bad diseasewill no-one help me please?Not even you?

Feels like yesterday

2 months ago, on the 22nd september, was my 31st birthday. A normal day, a monday, nothing strange about that.
family and friends filling my Facebook page with birthday wishes, and one SMS message that made me really happy first thing in the morning. All was supposed to be good. But it wasn't!

I had an emotional breakdown, and spent my birthday day at the psychiatric emergency in Helsingborg. few people know about that, now more will know, and I still can't explain what really happened to me.

That I struggle with anxiety disorder is not new to anyone that know me, but that day - or that week - was really terrifying. I was without eat, only wanted to sleep, and never wake up.

I have a few clues of why I was feeling so down and didn't wanted to live at all, but I refuse to believe that someone can blame another for the way you feel. Once I heard that people only do to you what you allow them to, and maybe it is right. I don't know. Maybe I let this someone to be so much in care of my feelings that when it was not going the way I want it to be, I just lost it. I will never know.

I am better today, 2 months after, still going on medication and therapy, with helps me a lot. have been feeling a lot more positive about things in my life and accepting more what is to come. but still feel that empty hole that I felt on the 22nd september. Seems like nothing or anyone can fulfill this emptiness inside of my heart.

I am fighting against it everyday, and somedays I won the battle, but it is still a war to conquer, and I will, because I am a champion and I will not give up.
Somedays are better than the others, and now, with all the darkness in the air from the Swedish autumn, sometimes I feel I will never make it. But then, I look around and realize how much I have, how much i am loved, how much I am and can be happy. And for a few seconds that hole is not there. Those days are good. the best days.
Then come those days where nothing seems to make sense and I just want to sleep away all that crap and wake up in a better tomorrow.

It is a every day battle, and sometimes I don't want to fight. but I have to. I have someone that depends on me, I have to be strong for her, and I have to be happy. I am happy.

Just somedays are better than the others, and lately, the bad days are taking more place than the good ones...

A piece of me

Since tuesday night I sit home alone without my baby girl who is with her father, and doesn't seem like my life is complete.
I like to be alone and enjoy the silence and not to have to give attention to anyone, o worry about food and stuff, don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, but every parent needs some time by themselves.

But after a couple of hours without her, it seems like something is missing, that a piece of me is gone. And it is really a piece of me that is gone, for a few days, and when she comes back, I will certainly wish for some peace and quiet when she starts to demand too much attention from me.

It is a bittersweet feeling. I don't think I will ever get used to it. And who could guess that me, Ana Thaire, would be such a dedicate mom??
NO ONE!!!

Some people still get surprised on how much "good"I do this parenting-never-ending job.
I can't understand why.

And now my little girl is asking for a baby! What to do?!
I want another baby sometimes, but most of the time I don't.
It is like starting over a game that you have already finished.
I mean, I LOVE to be a mom, but I don't know if I want to do all over again. All the diapers changing, nights awake, sore boobs, vomiting and so on…

Time will tell. And if it is on God's plans for my life another baby, then it will happen at the right time.

In the mean awhile, some chips and chocolate, because I am worth it!

Born to Die

Today, I am just gonna let this song describe how I feel.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bag1gUxuU0g

Something is missing...

Since yesterday I have this feeling that something -not to say someone- is missing. Had this strange dream that I was pregnant and feeling really bad.
It's funny people think they owe you something just because you care about them, or even like them.

My biggest mistake this year was to say "I like you" to someone. I mean, what is wrong on express your feelings?
People get so scared and defensive when they know someone else cares about them, it is almost a crime to have any feeling for someone.

I did want to cry several times, and tried to hold back the tears. DONE!
But not sure if I can keep doing this. Last time I hold my feelings inside, I ended up at the psychiatric emergency. But that is a subject to another post…

Now time for dinner and some TV with the best eerie ever: FRIENDS!

Back in the Game!

Just want to say that after 3 fucking years, I decided to come back and write about all and nothing.
Promise I will be more active here and tell everything that happened since my last post in august/11.

But for tonight, is just an early night for this lady here.