The One That Got Away

There are lessons to be found here - but mostly, I do this so you can know me. 
Lately, as I write these, I realize they are as much for me as they are for you. This is the one place I can be completely open - the pen and paper has no judgement, no vote, it simply receives my truth and allows me to turn the page. 

And today, this is my truth. I am terrified a great deal of the time - afraid of what I've done, of what I'm doing, and of what I might have to do. 
It's not a crippling fear, in fact, it's just the opposite. I thrive on it, I crave it, I need that rush of terror to get me out of bed in the morning. It's in my DNA.

 I have tremendous remorse for the acts of violence I've committed, both planned and spontaneous. 
But I think what brings me the most sorrow is that I've learned to justify this behavior. I always find a reason, a cause, a need that allows me the karmic lubrication to stuff my guilt into a savage compartment. 
I’ve become the thing, the one I hated. 

And with that awareness comes periods of days, sometimes weeks, when I have to avoid looking into a mirror. My self-hate is so deep, so palpable, I fear I'll lunge at my own image, shatter the glass, and cut myself with shards of broken reflection.
 I've lost my sense. 

Now  my doubt and sense of fraudulence bark so loudly in my head that most of the time I can't hear anything else. Love, camaraderie, freedom - all the things I want from this life are lost in the din.

 Forgive my indulgence, but today may be a day we all remember. A defining day. 
And I want you to look back at this entry and know that at the very least, I was completely honest, so you know I speak the truth when I tell you that you are the most important thing to me. I'll never hurt you, never abandon you. I love you. 
More than anything or anyone. 

I always will.

/A

Choices

There will be days when you're forced to make decisions that affect the lives of everyone you love, choices that will change you forever.

 You reach an age where you realize that being a woman isn't about respect or strength, it's about being aware of all the things you touch.

 Children face inward, wallow in their own selfish needs. 
Women face out, take action on the needs of others. 

I'm at that place. 
I'm staring one of those decisions in the face and it looks back at me with historical eyes and it calls me a coward, a killer, a fraud.

 It wants me to crack and run from the service of my fate like a broken child.
 Today, I will not do that. 

A gift or a coffin

It's hard not to hate. 

People, things, institutions, when they break your spirit and take pleasure in watching you bleed, hate is the only feeling that makes sense. But I know what hate does to a man, tears him apart, turn him into something he's not, something he promised himself that he'd never become. That's what I need to tell you to let you know how hard I am trying not to cave under the weight of all the awful things I feel in my heart. 

Sometimes my life feels like a deadly balancing act, when I feel slamming up against what I should do, impulsive reactions racing to solutions miles ahead of my brain. 

When I look at my day, I realize that most of it was spend cleaning up the damage of the day before. In that life I don't have a future, all I have is distraction and remorse.

 Everyday is a new box, you open it and take a look at what's inside. 

You are the one who determine if it's a gift or a coffin.

Ego Buster

yes I do that. All the music videos, tags on Facebook and Instagram, text messages...
But at the same time I am expressing my feelings. That’s who I am!

The moment I go silent is when all is gone. When I have no feelings whatsoever left to express or show.
When tears wont fall down at every thought...

So don’t take it for granted. Appreciate. Be thankful. Take into consideration that even from distance I care, I do and I feel.

/A

No title

its strange how that saying “you only see the value when it’s gone” seems to be extremely right at this moment!

Not that I have lost anything, but it seems and feels that things are just going away. Slipping through my finger....

New things are coming. The excitement is real. But is what I want? Is it what I need? Who knows?!

It’s been a while since I have this peace of mind and trusted much in designe to be able to feel so calm and wait for whatever is about to come.
Is a good feeling. But also a scary one.

I just wish my door bell to ring out of nowhere, and I open the door be caught by surprise by him... coming to my arms as he never left...

A person can dream, right?

Dream on, dream on. Dream on untill your dreams come true....

/A

Let it go

we come to a point that doesn’t matter how much we care, how much we love, how much we try or how much we want. We just have to let it go.

Let it go things that hurt you. Is not because you want something that this thing is made for you.

I need to learn that. To let things go...

/A

Simple As That

You got me sippin' on something
I can't compare to nothing
I've ever known, I'm hoping
That after this fever I'll survive
I know I'm acting a bit crazy
Strung out, a little bit hazy
Hand over heart, I'm praying
That I'm gonna make it out alive

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

You got me scattered in pieces
Shining like stars and screaming
Lighting me up like Venus
But then you disappear and make me wait
And every second's like torture
Hell over trip, no more so
Finding a way to let go
Baby, baby, no I can't escape

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

This is a modern fairy tale
No happy endings
No wind in our sails
But I can't imagine a life without
Breathless moments
Breaking me down, down, down, down

The bed's getting cold and you're not here
The future that we hold is so unclear
But I'm not alive until you call
And I'll bet the odds against it all
Save your advice 'cause I won't hear
You might be right but I don't care
There's a million reasons why I should give you up
But the heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants
The heart wants what it wants

The heart wants what it wants, baby
It wants what it wants, baby
It wants what it wants
It wants what it wants

The heart wants what it wants, baby
It wants what it wants

WEIGHING

Today was not a good day. For many reasons.
One of my cats is apparently sick and I am really worried about it.
Have the money situation....
And then B came here for us to talk.

Although it feels like i took a hundred kilos off of my shoulders, it still feels like I still got a lot to carry.

I said what I wanted to say (or most of it), I showed my feelings, I have been true to my self and him. And this makes me relived.

But still... it shouldn't be like this.

My cat was not suppose to be sick. I shouldn't need to worry about money, and B should be here.

But I have learnt a long time ago, and not in a nice way, that life isn't always what or how we want it to be.
And sometimes if you have to let it go. And not because you want it gone, but because you need to feel better.

A person is not good for yourself if she/he makes you cry, lie to you, manipulate you, hurt you and play you. I FUCKING KNOW THAT!

So why I still feel heavy? Why at the same time I feel i took all the weight off I still feel like carrying the world on my shoulders?

Some questions will never be answered. Some will never be asked.
I have to learn. I must try. Harder.

I just wish I was not that broken...

/A

Been There Done That

Its really funny how humans keep putting themselves in already known situations. Situations that they know will lead to disappointment and pain and sorrow.

I thought I was doing fine. That finally things where falling into the right places, but NOOOOOO
I have to get hit right on my fucking face and fall down to the ground just to get up again.

I am tired of it. I just want to walk straight and not fall anymore.

Cant understand this bad karma or whatever this is.
Religion doesn't explain it to me, friends either, I, myself, can't find the answers I am looking for.

nd the only thing I wanted was to be chosen. To be loved. To be someones first choice... Just for once...

Sunday

Sunday’s are always the worse.
It’s an emptiness that doesn’t seem to be filled with anything.

I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss the sundays nights when my house was always full with people and laughs and food and drinks.

It’s not the loneliness that bothers me. It’s the fact that even though I enjoy the loneliness, I know that when I am tired of it nothing is gonna change.

I don’t have anyone to call. No one ever calls me.
I am tired of having to let my daughter go.
I am tired of having myself as my only company.

It is just not fair.
Not fair at all...

/A

Is not always as it seems

its funny how people take you for granted. How they don’t appreciate how much you care and is concern about them.
Is it wrong to expect people will treat you the way you treat them? I don’t think so!

Everyone has flaws, but I think it shows a lot when someone cares about you and check on you to see if you are doing ok, if you got back on your feet after that cold, if you need help or just someone to talk about nothing.
Its only a few that show that same engagement to you. And why?

I mean, I may not be the nicest person in this planet but I care! I will show up at your door with chocolate or whatever you need at 3am if that is what you need. I will knock someone down for you. I will fight you battles together with you.

And I just wish that you would do the same for me.
Sometimes I just need a phone call, or a text or a Snapchat even, just to remind me that you are there for me. That you saw something that remind you of myself and you felt like sharing that with me.
Is it too much to ask?

Independence and rejection

Once I heard from a friend, almost 10 years ago, that men are afraid of me. her explanation was that I am too independent, that I don't let the "man"feels like I need him. She might have it right.
I don't like to show vulnerability, I can do whatever I want.
Sure I am spoiled and I would like to have people around me doing stuff for me, but its not about that. Its about to not need anyone else but me to live my life.
I don't need a man to be happy. I don't need a man to feel I am wanted. I am enough.

On the other hand, I don't deal very good, must say very bad, with rejection. And is not like Ï don't like you"kinda of rejection. Is the rejection when you know that everything is perfectly fine and still you get a cold shoulder. WTF??

It took me years to get my self confidence, to feel pretty, to dare to say and do stuff, and then come an asshole and say NO?!
I mean, seriously dude!

It might sound like bullshit or a bunch of crap, but I can't deal with that. When someone says no to me it seems that a flame light up inside of me and I MUST do that anyway. Maybe for the rush, the adrenaline of prove to everybody that they were wrong all along, I don't know.
This feeling is my drug. Dont ever tell me I can't do anything, because it is when I will want to that the most.

Complicated? A lot. Weird? To say the least.
But it is what it is. And as long as I don't get what I want the way I want, I don't give up. Some call it a quality, some call it a flaw. Who knows?

/A

Birthday week blue

Its funny you think you can live without your family friends close and feel a temporally joy by being alone and by yourself, but when its time to celebrate, and doesn't matter if its christmas, easter, birthday or just an accomplishment, you don't want to be alone.

Its hard to not have anyone to share your happiness with, or just having someone to drink wine and talk shit until the sun comes up.
I miss those times.

Is when those days come that I realize how lonely I am. I am not sad or miserable, I am just alone. And being alone is not always a good thing.

I miss having someone to call to when something good happen to me. Or something bad. Someone to just say "lets go"and hear "lets".

Life is hard and a long road, and I have been walking alone for too long.
I am kinda tired and feeling blue today. But won't let this knock me down. I can do whatever I want. I am!

In 4 days I get one year older. One year wiser. Or not. Looking forward to it.

Later!

Summertime sadness

Summer is over. However for us, whose live in Sweden, summer is like an enchanted event that we wait for long 8 months and when it comes is not exactly like we have waited for... lol

But I have a nice summer. Dad came from Brazil and was here for 3 weeks, S is great as always and amazes me everyday.

I cannot write here without mention that every now and then he pass by my mind... The good thing is that I can now smile, and no cry.
I smile because a year ago from today, I was having one of the hardest weeks of my entire life. And I survived, because this is what i do. I survive. Everyday. Every challenge.

I dont wanna be nostalgic and sad.
I only want to say that summer was good. But short. Too short.
Now focusing on my trip to Brazil to see a real summer. been too long since last time.

Take care!
/A

Happy Birthday

It was your birthday yesterday and I have a lot of thoughts about what I wanted to do.
But all felt useless. Meaningless. Why?
You don't even text me to check if I am ok. I told you the most devastating news I had lately and the only thing you said was "sorry to hear that".
How someone can go from I love you and I am here for you no matter what, to I don't care?
Please explain that to me!

I really want to wish happiness and a good life and all the good things in the world, but spite the fact that I love you, I hate you. And I want you to suffer. Physically, Emotionally. Just like I did. and still do.

You have no idea how much pain I have been through this last 8 months. Sounds stupid to think that someone would be hurt after a break up for so long. But for me was real. For me was what I wanted and had. For me was the last time I had to think about that I would cry over someone again. And here I am. 8 months later, on your birthday, crying my eyes out because I can't be with you. Because you couldn't care less about what I have to say.

I know you are happy, and for seconds, sometimes, it gives me some kind of comfort. I never wish you bad. And never will. I love you. And always will.
I just wish this pain would be gone, that I wouldn't morn every fucking day of my life. That waking up wouldn't be the worst part of my day. That going to sleep wouldn't feel so lonely and empty.

I wish you a happy birthday. A happy life. But I want to be there. Forever. I care about you, your son, your family, your week-being. DO you do the same? I don't think so. I am most certain you don't. And you don't do anything to show me the opposite.

I never thought I could hate you, but I do now. Your lack of compassion, empath, sympathy just prove to me that I have been wrong about you all along. Although I love you. With all of me.

Happy birthday!