Oh well! Another week has passed and to be hones I thought it would be more hard than it actually went!
I woke up this morning feel in wonderfully wonderful, for no special reason, I am just very happy with myself and with the way my life is going.
I still feel a little blue sometimes from what happened last week, but I know he doesn't deserve someone like me. he want average, submission, boredom, and I am far from all this! So, lets keep moving bitches!!!
had an amazing time at the gym today. yes, sunday is also a day to work out. I have been doing a lot of it lately, everyday, and must be all the endorphin coming through my brain giving me all this happiness, but who cares? I surely don't!
Its been a long while since I felt so good with myself like I am feeling now, and to make things more nice, I am going out for a dinner on wednesday with a very nice guy. Funny how things happen.
I was actually not giving any credit to this, but we have been texting each other every day, from morning to evening, and feels good. SO we will see.
I told this 2015 would be my year, and I will make it!!
School is a little hard and with a lot of papers to write, in swedish, but I am doing ok, have been approved on all the papers I have already sent, and don't want it to change. The teacher says I am very good on what I am doing and I am probably be done in the summer. Wich is amazing, so my plan can keep on track of time and maybe next fall I will be an university student. AGAIN!!!
Da is planning to come visit in the spring, a bittersweet emotion there, but will be nice to have someone to help with miss S for awhile, especially because by then school will probably be harder.
But what is making me smile the most, is the fact that I found out that someone just lost a LOT, and I mean a LOT LOT!!! And it make me feel sorry for him, but at the same time amuse me. I know its evil, and you are not suppose to be happy for someone else's misery, but he is not feeling miserable at all, maybe he will regret, maybe he will now, just time will tell, but I feel really good cause I realized that it wasn't me who had the big loss, but him!
I am an amazing and terrific person, and is too bad for him that he didn't see it. Probably my wednesday dinner company have already realized that and that is why we are getting along so well. Probably.
Anyway, now I have a couple of assignments to write. Good night fellas!
söndag 25 januari 2015
torsdag 22 januari 2015
Oh la la la
2 weeks has passed since FP said he doesn't have the "right feelings", whatever it means, and of course I wallow and thought that maybe he was doing a wrong decision, but to be honest, today, I woke up like, whatever, he doesn't deserve me or my feelings and everything that comes with it.
I am focusing on school, with is taking my whole time, and feels good. I start training again, and feels wonderful, think I finally find my place in my life where I can focus on myself instead of trying to please someone else.
And is their own loss, I am an incredible person, and the only who is losing, is the ones that doesn't want to be around me. So FUCK THEM!!!
Cant say I am 100% happy, noone is, but I feel I am on the right path, and will get there. Life is what we make of it, and why spend my time on someone that don't give a rat's ass to me? Right, maybe I am bitter, but who cares? I love myself and I have been through enough shit in my life to be sure that also shall pas.
So I must focus on what is important to ME and work for it.
I still have people around me who would give anything to stay around me, and those people are the ones I should spend my time with and value their time with me. The ones who suddenly decided not to be there, TO BAD FOR THEM!!
I am focusing on school, with is taking my whole time, and feels good. I start training again, and feels wonderful, think I finally find my place in my life where I can focus on myself instead of trying to please someone else.
And is their own loss, I am an incredible person, and the only who is losing, is the ones that doesn't want to be around me. So FUCK THEM!!!
Cant say I am 100% happy, noone is, but I feel I am on the right path, and will get there. Life is what we make of it, and why spend my time on someone that don't give a rat's ass to me? Right, maybe I am bitter, but who cares? I love myself and I have been through enough shit in my life to be sure that also shall pas.
So I must focus on what is important to ME and work for it.
I still have people around me who would give anything to stay around me, and those people are the ones I should spend my time with and value their time with me. The ones who suddenly decided not to be there, TO BAD FOR THEM!!
tisdag 13 januari 2015
Body Electric
"My clothes still smell like you
All the photographs say that, we're still young
I pretend I'm not hurt
I go about the world, like I'm havin' fun"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1TLkdX8zLk
måndag 12 januari 2015
söndag 11 januari 2015
Bipolar Sunday
Sunday again, and it feels like I am getting sick.
Sometimes when I read my posts here, I think I have some problem, sometimes I am very sad and then, the day after I am very happy. Borderline maybe? haha
Anyway, weekend is over, then I just went over my assignments for next week, and have a lot already! Going crazy!!!
My new year resolution of quit smoking turned up to be a big failure, since I am still smoking, but will quit.
I am on the way to change between gym places, hopefully will get it all fixed this week, so I can start training again, feeling little depressed without it, and with a lot of spare time, with is not good. neither for the body or mind!
Had a very nice and fun weekend. Yesterday me and little miss S took the train to Malmö to send the evening and today with FP, was very nice. He cooked for us, then we had dinner and watched a movie. Calm and cozy.
Today we took miss S to ice skating, with was really fun, she was afraid, and so was I! First time, but it went well, and we were there for 2 and a half hour. Then went back to FP apartment, took a nap and time to come back to Ängel-lhålla. Boring.
Feelings were a mix of anxiety, disappointment, happiness and a flu! But it was good.
I felt a little distance and a lot of caution from FP this weekend, but I can understand, I screwed up a few days ago with this stupid mind of mine, so not a really surprise he would take things more careful, since he saw now I am crazy! :P
Anyway, things are slow and calm, with is good, and hopefully will lead to a very good and happy place.
My task for this week is try very hard not to get ahead of myself and not over think stuffs, trying to find things where there are no things to be found! Hope I will make it!
The only thing I can say is, I really liked this weekend, and I am happy that I finally have some company to do stuff with, and kiss, and fall asleep on his chest, and make fun, joke around, and just smile. Is a wonderful feeling. Been awhile I was this relaxed and really enjoying things as they are.
Even with my feeling of the distance, with can possibly mean nothing at all, I felt safe. So all good in the hood!!!! :D
Will start a new week with a big smile and positive thoughts! My borderline brain is on the happy mood today! So lets enjoy it while it last! Lol
Sometimes when I read my posts here, I think I have some problem, sometimes I am very sad and then, the day after I am very happy. Borderline maybe? haha
Anyway, weekend is over, then I just went over my assignments for next week, and have a lot already! Going crazy!!!
My new year resolution of quit smoking turned up to be a big failure, since I am still smoking, but will quit.
I am on the way to change between gym places, hopefully will get it all fixed this week, so I can start training again, feeling little depressed without it, and with a lot of spare time, with is not good. neither for the body or mind!
Had a very nice and fun weekend. Yesterday me and little miss S took the train to Malmö to send the evening and today with FP, was very nice. He cooked for us, then we had dinner and watched a movie. Calm and cozy.
Today we took miss S to ice skating, with was really fun, she was afraid, and so was I! First time, but it went well, and we were there for 2 and a half hour. Then went back to FP apartment, took a nap and time to come back to Ängel-lhålla. Boring.
Feelings were a mix of anxiety, disappointment, happiness and a flu! But it was good.
I felt a little distance and a lot of caution from FP this weekend, but I can understand, I screwed up a few days ago with this stupid mind of mine, so not a really surprise he would take things more careful, since he saw now I am crazy! :P
Anyway, things are slow and calm, with is good, and hopefully will lead to a very good and happy place.
My task for this week is try very hard not to get ahead of myself and not over think stuffs, trying to find things where there are no things to be found! Hope I will make it!
The only thing I can say is, I really liked this weekend, and I am happy that I finally have some company to do stuff with, and kiss, and fall asleep on his chest, and make fun, joke around, and just smile. Is a wonderful feeling. Been awhile I was this relaxed and really enjoying things as they are.
Even with my feeling of the distance, with can possibly mean nothing at all, I felt safe. So all good in the hood!!!! :D
Will start a new week with a big smile and positive thoughts! My borderline brain is on the happy mood today! So lets enjoy it while it last! Lol
fredag 9 januari 2015
Another day, Another dollar
Friday again, and I am sitting here with my thoughts running around my brain as a marathon!
A lot of planning to do. School started and it seems a lot, more than I can handle, it is so frustrating to have to be in school again, after all those years, I just feel dumb and stupid. But I will make it, no matter what.
In 6 days, little miss one will be 5 years old, and times just fly! Cant believe 5 years already has passed. So much we have done and been through! She is just amazing day after day.
I think I am getting sick, a cold or something, been feeling for a couple of days now, but nothing really happened yet, so can't be totally sure.
Was just tripping today on my way back home, how would be nice to have a movie scene happening to me, like the guy coming to my door unannounced, with flowers, or chocolate or whatever, and I was going to be home, with my hair in a pony tail and my horrible wear pants and my minnie mouse Pj's t-shirt… Just so stupid! Movies are movies and this is real life. Would be nice though.
I want to travel this year, although, the economy must not allow me, but I want at least get one of my dream wish list item done! Northern lights. Tried that last september when I was in Umeaå, but RB said it was still too much light to be able to see. Maybe I will succeed.
The trip to Brazil won't happen next month, I am sad but happy, I really didn't want to go, but would have been nice to skip the winter for a couple of weeks, anyway….
Probably dad is coming sometime in the spring instead, hopefully I will be feel in better and able to enjoy the beautiful swedish landscape during spring/summer.
I am geting to know a very nice person, but I think I have already screwed things up a little with this stupid head of mine and my power of over thinking, or as he said. "over analyzing" everything. Cant do much now, but wait and see.
Hope I am wrong, I was feeling very good, and still am, thought I would might be on the right path to make myself happy and have someone coming along to enjoy and share it. And I REALLY hope that this little (but yet big) thing that happened, just don't ruin everything.
Well, I am very tired today, learn swedish really takes off my energy, so will be a very easy and lazy friday evening with my little miss.
Catch up later!
A lot of planning to do. School started and it seems a lot, more than I can handle, it is so frustrating to have to be in school again, after all those years, I just feel dumb and stupid. But I will make it, no matter what.
In 6 days, little miss one will be 5 years old, and times just fly! Cant believe 5 years already has passed. So much we have done and been through! She is just amazing day after day.
I think I am getting sick, a cold or something, been feeling for a couple of days now, but nothing really happened yet, so can't be totally sure.
Was just tripping today on my way back home, how would be nice to have a movie scene happening to me, like the guy coming to my door unannounced, with flowers, or chocolate or whatever, and I was going to be home, with my hair in a pony tail and my horrible wear pants and my minnie mouse Pj's t-shirt… Just so stupid! Movies are movies and this is real life. Would be nice though.
I want to travel this year, although, the economy must not allow me, but I want at least get one of my dream wish list item done! Northern lights. Tried that last september when I was in Umeaå, but RB said it was still too much light to be able to see. Maybe I will succeed.
The trip to Brazil won't happen next month, I am sad but happy, I really didn't want to go, but would have been nice to skip the winter for a couple of weeks, anyway….
Probably dad is coming sometime in the spring instead, hopefully I will be feel in better and able to enjoy the beautiful swedish landscape during spring/summer.
I am geting to know a very nice person, but I think I have already screwed things up a little with this stupid head of mine and my power of over thinking, or as he said. "over analyzing" everything. Cant do much now, but wait and see.
Hope I am wrong, I was feeling very good, and still am, thought I would might be on the right path to make myself happy and have someone coming along to enjoy and share it. And I REALLY hope that this little (but yet big) thing that happened, just don't ruin everything.
Well, I am very tired today, learn swedish really takes off my energy, so will be a very easy and lazy friday evening with my little miss.
Catch up later!
onsdag 7 januari 2015
New Year, Old Story
It is amazing how I have the power of just turning something good into something really bad.
I am not really sure if people actually read what I write here, and I don't care, but if some do, probably they think my life is so miserable and I just should end it. Why not?
Everything I post sounds sad and desperate enough, and lots of drama in it.
Not what I want. I swear!!! But I can't help it! I am just being haunted for some old feelings that always make me mess up everything. And I am fucking tired of it!
Then you ask me: "Why don't you change it?", and then I answer you my friend, I have tried. And I still do try, but it seems that, doesn't matter how hard I try, there will always be something to remind me how messed up everything is and will make me just see the bad in everything.
7 days of the new year of 2015 has just passed, and when i thought that this time, for a change, I would be able to not think about all this shit, guess what? Exactly!
Am I such a horrible person that I can't, just for once, smile without thinking about when the sad tears will come? Am I that so hideous human being that I don't deserve, not even once, have things working on my side?
I dont understand. I really don't. All the religions says that, if you put the good out there, good will return to you. Hellooooooo! I am right here waiting for this moment.
Not to count the fact that I have to start my whole life over for the, I don't know with numbers of times, at the age of 31, in a completely weird and different country, with an extraterrestrial language that drives me insane, I still have to deal with this fucking ghost that seems to very a very comfortable home inside me!
I just wanted to feel safe, and secure, and happy, and not have to worry that tomorrow or the day after all of that good feelings will be gone, and I will be on ground zero again.
Is that too much to ask?
I am not really sure if people actually read what I write here, and I don't care, but if some do, probably they think my life is so miserable and I just should end it. Why not?
Everything I post sounds sad and desperate enough, and lots of drama in it.
Not what I want. I swear!!! But I can't help it! I am just being haunted for some old feelings that always make me mess up everything. And I am fucking tired of it!
Then you ask me: "Why don't you change it?", and then I answer you my friend, I have tried. And I still do try, but it seems that, doesn't matter how hard I try, there will always be something to remind me how messed up everything is and will make me just see the bad in everything.
7 days of the new year of 2015 has just passed, and when i thought that this time, for a change, I would be able to not think about all this shit, guess what? Exactly!
Am I such a horrible person that I can't, just for once, smile without thinking about when the sad tears will come? Am I that so hideous human being that I don't deserve, not even once, have things working on my side?
I dont understand. I really don't. All the religions says that, if you put the good out there, good will return to you. Hellooooooo! I am right here waiting for this moment.
Not to count the fact that I have to start my whole life over for the, I don't know with numbers of times, at the age of 31, in a completely weird and different country, with an extraterrestrial language that drives me insane, I still have to deal with this fucking ghost that seems to very a very comfortable home inside me!
I just wanted to feel safe, and secure, and happy, and not have to worry that tomorrow or the day after all of that good feelings will be gone, and I will be on ground zero again.
Is that too much to ask?
söndag 4 januari 2015
Two Thousand And Fifitheen
And a new year began…
I had a very nice time on new years eve, with friends and my daughter. Was really a GREAT evening and start of this new year.
New things are going to start to MYSELF and it feels amazing!!!
I am tired and don't want write anymore. So HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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