Bad Disease

Well there is something about watching a crime,it makes me wanna go out and make it all mineIt's something about seeing you fight,it makes me wanna go out tonight

I got a bad diseaseI got a bad disease to fall into,yeah it's true

There's something about seeing him diethat puts it all into perspective, and Iwanna stay home, be left aloneSomeone make my mind up so I don't have to decide

I got a bad diseaseI got a bad disease to fall into,yeah I do

There's some reason why I can't sit still,every waking moment I feel so unfulfilledI drive and I drown, but I don't know howBaby, when I'm sleeping, if it's less like I'm sleeping

Oh my god,I got a bad diseaseI got a bad disease, it's got me downon my knees

There's a fear I have, a feeling real bad,I'm final if I find out that I'm not, I'll be sadI try to cry to thoughts in the night,oh, they got me thinking I'd be happier just drinkin'

It's not trueI got a bad diseaseI got a bad disease, it's got me downon my kneesI got a bad diseasewill no-one help me please?Not even you?

Feels like yesterday

2 months ago, on the 22nd september, was my 31st birthday. A normal day, a monday, nothing strange about that.
family and friends filling my Facebook page with birthday wishes, and one SMS message that made me really happy first thing in the morning. All was supposed to be good. But it wasn't!

I had an emotional breakdown, and spent my birthday day at the psychiatric emergency in Helsingborg. few people know about that, now more will know, and I still can't explain what really happened to me.

That I struggle with anxiety disorder is not new to anyone that know me, but that day - or that week - was really terrifying. I was without eat, only wanted to sleep, and never wake up.

I have a few clues of why I was feeling so down and didn't wanted to live at all, but I refuse to believe that someone can blame another for the way you feel. Once I heard that people only do to you what you allow them to, and maybe it is right. I don't know. Maybe I let this someone to be so much in care of my feelings that when it was not going the way I want it to be, I just lost it. I will never know.

I am better today, 2 months after, still going on medication and therapy, with helps me a lot. have been feeling a lot more positive about things in my life and accepting more what is to come. but still feel that empty hole that I felt on the 22nd september. Seems like nothing or anyone can fulfill this emptiness inside of my heart.

I am fighting against it everyday, and somedays I won the battle, but it is still a war to conquer, and I will, because I am a champion and I will not give up.
Somedays are better than the others, and now, with all the darkness in the air from the Swedish autumn, sometimes I feel I will never make it. But then, I look around and realize how much I have, how much i am loved, how much I am and can be happy. And for a few seconds that hole is not there. Those days are good. the best days.
Then come those days where nothing seems to make sense and I just want to sleep away all that crap and wake up in a better tomorrow.

It is a every day battle, and sometimes I don't want to fight. but I have to. I have someone that depends on me, I have to be strong for her, and I have to be happy. I am happy.

Just somedays are better than the others, and lately, the bad days are taking more place than the good ones...

A piece of me

Since tuesday night I sit home alone without my baby girl who is with her father, and doesn't seem like my life is complete.
I like to be alone and enjoy the silence and not to have to give attention to anyone, o worry about food and stuff, don't get me wrong, I love being a mom, but every parent needs some time by themselves.

But after a couple of hours without her, it seems like something is missing, that a piece of me is gone. And it is really a piece of me that is gone, for a few days, and when she comes back, I will certainly wish for some peace and quiet when she starts to demand too much attention from me.

It is a bittersweet feeling. I don't think I will ever get used to it. And who could guess that me, Ana Thaire, would be such a dedicate mom??
NO ONE!!!

Some people still get surprised on how much "good"I do this parenting-never-ending job.
I can't understand why.

And now my little girl is asking for a baby! What to do?!
I want another baby sometimes, but most of the time I don't.
It is like starting over a game that you have already finished.
I mean, I LOVE to be a mom, but I don't know if I want to do all over again. All the diapers changing, nights awake, sore boobs, vomiting and so on…

Time will tell. And if it is on God's plans for my life another baby, then it will happen at the right time.

In the mean awhile, some chips and chocolate, because I am worth it!

Born to Die

Today, I am just gonna let this song describe how I feel.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bag1gUxuU0g

Something is missing...

Since yesterday I have this feeling that something -not to say someone- is missing. Had this strange dream that I was pregnant and feeling really bad.
It's funny people think they owe you something just because you care about them, or even like them.

My biggest mistake this year was to say "I like you" to someone. I mean, what is wrong on express your feelings?
People get so scared and defensive when they know someone else cares about them, it is almost a crime to have any feeling for someone.

I did want to cry several times, and tried to hold back the tears. DONE!
But not sure if I can keep doing this. Last time I hold my feelings inside, I ended up at the psychiatric emergency. But that is a subject to another post…

Now time for dinner and some TV with the best eerie ever: FRIENDS!

Back in the Game!

Just want to say that after 3 fucking years, I decided to come back and write about all and nothing.
Promise I will be more active here and tell everything that happened since my last post in august/11.

But for tonight, is just an early night for this lady here.