Nice to meet you!

Those last few days has been all and about meeting new family members. Mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad, lil brother and little sister. All good, very nice and fun people and I have been treated very well and warm. Lovely people, felt really good!
But also something have been bothering me lately. I feel a distance. A coldness. Maybe even a lack of feeling. Am I. Over reacting or it is just my sixth sense talking? Hard to tell.
Maybe with all the meetings and walking about a was hard to express feeling or be so close as the usual, dunno.
I have this thing that I think he will not be interested anymore, find me boring, unattractive, ugly, and just be out there.
I mean, why would him introduce me his entire family, if that was the case? I feel like they are a very close family, very nice and warming hearted people. And I think that, for him, is just as important to introduce me to his family. But why I have this gut feeling?
Typing this words right now is just making me want to cry. My eyes are full of tears trying to fall down and I am just holding them. Why so emotional? I can't explain or even find a reasonable reason to it.
I mean, it seems that FINALY I found someone that genuinely likes me, and is concerned about my wellbeing, likes to be around me, cuddle, and all. But still, the same bullshit of my trusting and insecure issues haunt me day and night! So tired of this shit!

Maybe tomorrow we will take the boat to Finland. A little "family" trip. Sounds like a great plan. We will see.
Just wish I could take this heavy thing away from me and enjoy all this as much as it want to be enjoyed. Because he deserve it. He makes me happy, when skies are grey! 🎶
Oh well! As usual: wait and see!

Houston, we have a problem!

Ok, there come the financial complain: I am broke!
The fucking CSN decided, I don't know how, that they paid too much on student aid and will not for the last 8 weeks of studies I have left. WTF?!

So, this month I am struggling with the economy. Thank God I don't have much to pay, but still… it sucks to be broke and not have enough to do whatever I want. Or what my daughter's want.

Hopefully, from august and further, things will change, even though I will not a steady job, but will have a job, and at the end of the month, some money I will be able to count on.
It sucks so bad that, I can't even remember the last time I had to think about not having enough money to pay my bills. I mean, I never been rich, far from it, but always had enough to do my stuff and more.

I had to ask my dad for help, he did, but still, been awhile since I had to discuss with him, or anyone for that matter, about my finances and I feel embarrassed on being a grown up woman, a mother, and not have enough stability to provide to my child.
It is not missing anything for her, not at all, but I mean, I can't take her to the park and buy ice cream for example, or we will not be able to go to the park again the day after, or to the beach…

I just want to cry, on disappointment, but I know that will get better. But still…
I think f al the problems, money is the worse.

Anyway, I am looking forward to start working and feel myself as a person again, as someone that actually produces something, that is needed!
August can't get here soon enough!!

The lies we tell ourselves

It is funny how we keep telling ourselves that everything is alright and that everything is gonna be alright. Is it really the truth? How can we know that something is going to be alright when we don't know what is going to happen?

We hope for the best and we work our butts off to make it happen to turn up good, but how can we be 100% sure about it? And why is it so hard to just trust faith and wait patiently for it to turn up good?

I've had lots of thoughts about what I want to happen in the future, I mean, things might change now, things that I planned or thought about doing in a certain way, may be happening differently now. Is it good? Is it bad? Who can tell?

I mean, my plan was to finish my swedish classes and go to university and study social work and that was it. But now, I face myself thinking that I maybe want a family, maybe I want get married, maybe I want to move somewhere else…

I always had this dream, even though I lie about it, that I would marry and have 2 kids. it didn't happen, I have one kid and I am too old to get married. But I still think about someone proposing to me in a restaurant, or at any public place, like the movies, where the other people would applaud and get as emotional as me, and I would say YES and we would live happily ever after.
Does happily ever after really exist?

I am not the kind of person who gives up, I try my best, the impossible, to fix things, to work it out, to make it better. Is everybody like that? Is him like that?
Would him give up at the first sign of difficult or problem? Would him fight for it? Would him see it is worth to try fixing it?
So many questions and so little answers.

I will keep lying to myself and saying that everything is alright and that everything is gonna be alright. It is easier that way, easier to cope with the everyday challenges and keep moving on.

Things are good, perfect, amazing. So that is not really a lie. Everything is alright, and why shouldn't things going to keep being alright? No reason. Cant find one. So maybe that isn't a lie, not totally a one.

I still dream of the restaurant or any public place. Silly girly dream. I am a girl after all. All girls dream of it, prince charming and stuff. I have a prince charming, as charming as possible, and even if I don't have the restaurant, he gave other "prince charming"stuff that are just as good.

So everything IS alright. Everything is GOING TO BE alright. because it is ME who decides it. Not my fear. Not my doubts. Only ME. And I have decided that all IS good and should keep this way.

:D

Tell Me Why

I have no words to begin to describe how those last few weeks has been. I can't say how wonderful and lovely those past days were without feeling a little emotional about it. The only thing is, it was AMAZING!

But, and there is always a but, I still feel a lot of that shit insecurity and in the back of my head I am expecting for all to blow! I know I don't need to, or don't have to or have a reason to, but still…
Yes, I do feel threatened from her, and I mean, why people have to be friends when they have no longer anything in common to share with? Excuse me, but all this crap talk about "we can still be friends"after a break up is bullshit to me. Sounds like someone has a hidden agenda. I may be totally wrong, but that how it feels.

I see like less than zero reasons to feel that way, and have been proved wrong many times, and I must trust, but what can I do? Tell me why I can't just take away this stupid feeling from inside of me and just enjoy the rest to the fullest??? I don't get it!

And I also know that all this crap will somehow turn rings into a different direction, because I know myself enough to know that, someday, somehow, I am just gonna put up my grumpy face and not talk about it and he will get mad for not understanding what is going on (with will be nothing) and we will have an argument, and I suck on that, and all will be gone. But why do I have to feel this way? Why he have to keep contact with her? I mean, if both moved on with their lives, so move on and bye bye.

I don't know much about the story, but I know it didn't work out for family issues, her family. So of course they both still have feelings for each other, and maybe in another time or life, they would be still together, or might get back together, and where do I stand in all of this?? I know! Again left alone broken into a million pieces and without a single soul to help me get myself together.

I am tired of this, I am happy, despite this crap thoughts, and I am having a really good time, so why keep thinking all of this? Why not just relax and enjoy?
I try, I swear to God that I try, as hard as I can, but there are still a few moments where those thoughts come back and there we go again, Ana Thaire full of doubts and fears! SHIT!!!!!!

I know it is soon to say it, but even thou all those over thinking and maybe making up stuff where there is none, I see a good thing, I see a future, I see someone that respect me as I am and appreciate the moments we have together, so why?? WHY??????

It is funny because I was keeping my guard so up and trying not to fall, and guess what? I fell so hard that to hurts! But it hurts in a good way. I feel safe in his arms, I laugh with all of me, I can be myself without being judged, and I can finally say that I am having happy days! The so expected happy days.
But when I am alone, alone with my thoughts, all the crap comes back to haunt me and make me unsafe and scared… I don't want to have this anymore, I want to enjoy it and just feel happy all the time. Is it too much to ask?

And it is not his fault, he give me no reason to doubt him or not to trust what he does or say, it is ME, only me! It is my fault and my damaged mind that always try to sabotage what I try so hard to make good. Please, just stop!

Well, eyes are teared up, so time to stop. TTYL