two thousand and sixteen

3 days to the end of this year and what can I say?
Over all its been a good year, i accomplished a lot of things, got a little better and the language, but of course not all has been rainbow and unicorns...
I have had pretty difficult times, but i think right now, atlas today, i can see that all what happened has happened for  reason.

Today I got very good news for the next year, and i am very happy with that. My goal is to focus on what is good that is happening in my life and try to forget, or atlas, get along with the bad things that happened before.

Happy new year!

Grief - 4 months and counting

The stages of grief and morning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life, across many cultures. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness, the loss of a close relationship, or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of grief .
In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage with different levels of intensity. The five stages of loss do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief.

1. Denial & Isolation

The first reaction to learning about the terminal illness, loss, or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. “This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening,” people often think. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.

The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.

The cheesy goofy cliche

Sometimes you have those thoughts and you just think they are silly and impossible to happen, but you still keep dreaming about them and wishing for them to come true.

I have this weird, goofy, cliche wish that one day, someone is actually want to marry me, and spend the rest of his life with me, till death tear us apart...
And I dream that the proposal is gonna happen like in a movie... at an island somewhere, Santorini, or London, or Paris, or at the sunset at the beach.... And I mean, is it wrong to dream like that?
Am I too old for such dreams? I never had anyone, that for real, wanted to do that, and YES, I want to have a white dress and have my dad walking me down the aisle and giving me to my future husband. Why I feel so ashamed of it?

I am not the wife type, I know that. Not even the mother type for crying out loud. But I have my heart at the right place. I love and can be loved. And I want to.

Not that I am not being, but... I still miss that part. This commitment. it will mean to me that all this is real, that he was meant to be, that we will grow old together.
Cliche! I know!!!