Tell Me Why

I have no words to begin to describe how those last few weeks has been. I can't say how wonderful and lovely those past days were without feeling a little emotional about it. The only thing is, it was AMAZING!

But, and there is always a but, I still feel a lot of that shit insecurity and in the back of my head I am expecting for all to blow! I know I don't need to, or don't have to or have a reason to, but still…
Yes, I do feel threatened from her, and I mean, why people have to be friends when they have no longer anything in common to share with? Excuse me, but all this crap talk about "we can still be friends"after a break up is bullshit to me. Sounds like someone has a hidden agenda. I may be totally wrong, but that how it feels.

I see like less than zero reasons to feel that way, and have been proved wrong many times, and I must trust, but what can I do? Tell me why I can't just take away this stupid feeling from inside of me and just enjoy the rest to the fullest??? I don't get it!

And I also know that all this crap will somehow turn rings into a different direction, because I know myself enough to know that, someday, somehow, I am just gonna put up my grumpy face and not talk about it and he will get mad for not understanding what is going on (with will be nothing) and we will have an argument, and I suck on that, and all will be gone. But why do I have to feel this way? Why he have to keep contact with her? I mean, if both moved on with their lives, so move on and bye bye.

I don't know much about the story, but I know it didn't work out for family issues, her family. So of course they both still have feelings for each other, and maybe in another time or life, they would be still together, or might get back together, and where do I stand in all of this?? I know! Again left alone broken into a million pieces and without a single soul to help me get myself together.

I am tired of this, I am happy, despite this crap thoughts, and I am having a really good time, so why keep thinking all of this? Why not just relax and enjoy?
I try, I swear to God that I try, as hard as I can, but there are still a few moments where those thoughts come back and there we go again, Ana Thaire full of doubts and fears! SHIT!!!!!!

I know it is soon to say it, but even thou all those over thinking and maybe making up stuff where there is none, I see a good thing, I see a future, I see someone that respect me as I am and appreciate the moments we have together, so why?? WHY??????

It is funny because I was keeping my guard so up and trying not to fall, and guess what? I fell so hard that to hurts! But it hurts in a good way. I feel safe in his arms, I laugh with all of me, I can be myself without being judged, and I can finally say that I am having happy days! The so expected happy days.
But when I am alone, alone with my thoughts, all the crap comes back to haunt me and make me unsafe and scared… I don't want to have this anymore, I want to enjoy it and just feel happy all the time. Is it too much to ask?

And it is not his fault, he give me no reason to doubt him or not to trust what he does or say, it is ME, only me! It is my fault and my damaged mind that always try to sabotage what I try so hard to make good. Please, just stop!

Well, eyes are teared up, so time to stop. TTYL