It is amazing how I have the power of just turning something good into something really bad.
I am not really sure if people actually read what I write here, and I don't care, but if some do, probably they think my life is so miserable and I just should end it. Why not?
Everything I post sounds sad and desperate enough, and lots of drama in it.
Not what I want. I swear!!! But I can't help it! I am just being haunted for some old feelings that always make me mess up everything. And I am fucking tired of it!
Then you ask me: "Why don't you change it?", and then I answer you my friend, I have tried. And I still do try, but it seems that, doesn't matter how hard I try, there will always be something to remind me how messed up everything is and will make me just see the bad in everything.
7 days of the new year of 2015 has just passed, and when i thought that this time, for a change, I would be able to not think about all this shit, guess what? Exactly!
Am I such a horrible person that I can't, just for once, smile without thinking about when the sad tears will come? Am I that so hideous human being that I don't deserve, not even once, have things working on my side?
I dont understand. I really don't. All the religions says that, if you put the good out there, good will return to you. Hellooooooo! I am right here waiting for this moment.
Not to count the fact that I have to start my whole life over for the, I don't know with numbers of times, at the age of 31, in a completely weird and different country, with an extraterrestrial language that drives me insane, I still have to deal with this fucking ghost that seems to very a very comfortable home inside me!
I just wanted to feel safe, and secure, and happy, and not have to worry that tomorrow or the day after all of that good feelings will be gone, and I will be on ground zero again.
Is that too much to ask?
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