Not a Happy Birthday

Today is my uncle's birthday. Or it would be if he was alive. He died at the age of 54, almost 2 years ago, of a cancer. For smoking.
Me and him, after I grown up, wasn't that close anymore, don't know really why, but it was like that.

The worse thing for me when he died,, was to watch my grandmother, his mother, suffer and grief so intensely that just broke my heart in a zillion pieces.
I find it so horrible to watch someone you love to suffer. It is worse than suffer yourself. And you can't do anything about it. You can't take away their pain or make it better in any way.
Watch a mother cry over a dead kid was the most painful thing that I ever watched! :(

I was working when I got the notice. Over a text message. Who does that?? I answer you: my brother.
He was desperate! He got the new over the phone from my aunt, and then he had to tell my father, my uncle's big brother, I can't imagine how hard it was for him to bring it up to my father. And he said that my fat he sat there for hours without saying a word, or crying or showing any feelings or movement whatsoever! Somehow I am kind relived I wasn't there.

And to make things even better, the day after, when we were suppose to be at my uncle's wake, I found out my former boyfriend was cheating on me. How life can be fun!

Anyway, my uncle should be 55 today. it's sad to see people you love go away. I am not good with loss. I can't understand why people have to leave. It is not fair. It just isn't.

And when you live far away from your family seems all those feelings and emotions get to you even harder. Cant explain It is just so.
Hope someday I learn, by faith, destiny, religion, or whatever is out there, how to handle all this. For now, I just feel sad, and can't help the fact that my grandmother must be going all through the grieving process all over again when she realizes that todays is his birthday. Or was.

Wish I could do something to take this away from her. but I can't. And I hate when I can't do stuff. I just hate it. And what people keep telling me is that he is in a better place. How can they know it? Noone that I am aware of have ever came back from the dead to say that there, wherever there is, is a better place. Better place compared to what? To the love of your friends and family that you left crying over the loss??? Cant imagine it better.
But unless he is not in pain anymore. That is a good thing. Maybe this "there place"is a place where pain doesn't exist. Than there is absolutely a better place. I better believe this way. Should make things easy.