Letter

First of all I am absolutely not accusing you of anything.

With that said, I have been doing some thinking and that’s why I am writing this.

I’m so afraid of losing you. I mean, I love you so much for real that the thought of losing you actually physically hurts me. But I can’t go on like this.

You talk about respect and consideration a lot. All the time. And that made me think about how much I feel disrespected by the fact of the amount of time you give to her and her kid.

Not so long ago I couldn’t even talk to you. I was blocked in all ways possible of communication and when I got unblocked from one place, when I tried to talk I was ignored. Mostly of the time.

You asked me to respect whatever you doing by the time, and I have been accused of trying to manipulate you and so.

I couldn’t reach out to you even though I was already pregnant with your kid and you knew it.

Now, we said we were gonna do this, try it. Respect each other.

But you still are there. Mind and body.

I can’t even blame her for trying to do her thing, trying to get you back or whatever, because it’s not her fault. You respond to her. You give her the feeling that you are still there.

You always talking about how we are friends. And we do stuff that I don’t do to my friends. And then you come and say you are also friends with her. Is the same kind of “friendship” we have? How can I be certain?

I’m not going between your friends as you said I am. I’m going between A friend and you know exactly why.

You get mad, upset, defensive and aggressive every time I bring this up and why? Because I am right?

How much would you give up to not lose me? Would you even give up anything at all to not lose me? 

So I guess I was not as important. And maybe I’m still not as important.

You talk about respect, about how much you like me and want to make it work. But why then do the only thing that you know that bothers me and hurts me the most?

I’m putting up with a lot for you. I handle you being grumpy, yelling, blaming me for stuff. Might not handle all that well, but I actually try to handle.

And the only thing that I asked you to, was to let her go of your life.

I know you and her have the money thing still to finish up, but that’s not a reason to talk everyday. To be receiving pictures. 

And ofcourse  she is gonna try. I did that before also. But you never responded to me.

You respond to her. You give her attention. You said by then we were friends, but I couldn’t talk to you. You pushed me away from your way. One hundred percent.

Why is she more worth then?

What she gives you that I don’t or can’t?

If she is more important to you then we are doing the wrong thing. If it’s her you prioritize, we not doing the right thing.

Anyway, even though I don’t wanna lose you, maybe losing you is the right thing to do.

Sometimes we have to do things that we don’t want to for the greater good. And this might be one of those situations.

It’s gonna hurt like a motherfucker to lose you. To not be able to hold you, or to sleep next to you, or to wake up next you, or cuddle and all.

But no pain last forever.

You don’t even need to answer to this.

If it’s meant to be it will be. If not... well... that’s life.

We not always have things the way we want.

Maybe I am holding on to something that is not even there.

I don’t doubt your feelings for me. I don’t doubt you willing to make it work. I don’t doubt the fact that you want to make it work.

But I’m not receiving in actions the same amount of certainty you give me in words.

Can be because I’m insecure and jealous? Yes it can.

But I still think it’s inappropriate and disrespectful to do what you doing, when you couldn’t do the same for me.

Just think about it. If not for me, for you and future relationships.

I mean, we are not even in a relationship and that makes you think (probably) that you don’t need to be faithful to me. I don’t know. My mind is just crazy. Blame the hormones or whatever.

What I want to say is what I said.

You probably don’t even care. But I do and I had to say that.

Think about what is important for you. And if it’s me, I’m gonna be here, where I always have been.

And if it’s not, I wish you the best of luck and we meet again when Lille bulle is born.

I REALLY don’t wanna make this into an argument. So please don’t do that either.

Just think about what I just wrote. But really think. Consider what is important for you, what you want and hope for your future. If it’s worth. You will see I’m right somehow. Maybe not In all, but mostly.

Take care.

Love

/A